Eliminated

I've been meaning to write about my new job at the YMCA for a few days now. Last week I trained and filled out all of my paperwork. Yesterday was my first official day, and I absolutely loved it. The kids were awesome, bright and fun, my coworkers are really cool, and I was actually given a bunch of extra responsibilities so that I could be making even more money. I finally was starting to feel like things were going to stabilize... no more laying at home during the day, feeling inadequate and ashamed and ignoring phone calls from friends. I left my first day of work yesterday feeling on top of the world.

SO, when I went into work today and was sat down and told that my position was eliminated at a budget meeting earlier in the morning, I left 5 minutes later feeling a little more than devastated.

It's back to the drawing board. Back to Craigslist and Idealist and all of those other websites that I gleefully deleted off of my bookmarks bar just last week.

I feel like a little kid who was given a brand new toy and then immediately had it taken away.

Driving in Boston A.K.A. Co-Mingling with Mad Men.

The people in Boston are great. Everyone is friendly (for the most part), lots of dog lovers and liberal-types. However, some sort of transformation happens to these people. And it happens when they unlock their cars and take a seat behind the wheel. It's as if the minute they click their seatbelt, they morph into some other type of being. From behind their Dunkin Donuts coffee cups, they turn into ruthless, honking, impatient 2 year olds, quick to throw a trantrum when they don't get their right-of-way. Therefore, I present to you:

Things I have learned since moving to Boston, in regards to driving.

1. Avoid it at all costs.
2. When you're at a red light, the car across the intersection going the opposite way will ALWAYS bang a left when the light changes to green, so when it does change, pause before you hit the gas.
3. This will undoubtedly cause the driver behind you to begin honking at you for not immediately flooring it.
4. Everyone honks at EVERYTHING. Don't get too offended.
5. People tend to just slow down when they're in the right lane. You see their brake lights, slow down behind them and wonder, "Are they breaking down?" "Are they lost?" "Are they about to pull into that parking spot?" No... usually, they are making a right hand turn without signaling.
6. Everybody in Boston must have a broken turn signal.
7. These rules also apply to bus drivers, minus number 5.
8. On average, you will get cut off about once every 60 seconds. Get used to it, and expect it.
9. It takes double the amount of time to get anywhere. Triple if it's 8am or 5-6pm.
10. You will be horribly judged for having out of state plates. Even if your driving skills are superb.
11. Don't park ANYWHERE the sign says you're not allowed to. Even for 10 minutes. The parking police are either on crack or aliens... how are they so fast?!
12. A two-lane road will never actually look like it's two lanes, as there are NEVER any lines to divide them. So, assume that all roads are two lanes, since everyone else does.
13. Traffic circles are alive and well... don't wait too long to enter them, just shove your way in, before the driver behind you gets antsy. See #3 and #4.
14. Always check the Red Sox schedule before driving anywhere near Fenway Park or its surrounding neighborhoods.
15. Keep xanax on hand, have good car insurance, and say a prayer before you pull out of the driveway!!

words

"i love you.

and i believe in you.

patience.

not everything is money.

it sure as hell makes things easier, but it's definitely not everything that makes me happy."



just as quickly as words can bring me down, words can bring me up higher than i thought possible. these were the only words i needed to hear today. i am so lucky.

Camera

Every single day, I literally ache to have my camera back. It hurts just to think about all of the amazing photo opportunities that I've had in the last 6 months or so, and my camera lays broken, malfunctioning, in it's camera case in the corner of our bedroom. $243.00 away from being fixed. My heart sunk deep down into my stomach when the man at the camera repair store estimated the cost of fixing it.

I just want it back.

Everyday.

Sticks and Stones...

Recently, something happened that I've spent a lot of time thinking about. And it's made me question some things about myself and the way I think about myself.

In short, some pretty awful things were said about me and I accidentally came across those words. Most of them were ridiculous, almost funny judgements because they were untrue. If I could explain the circumstances, it might be easier to understand. However, there was one sentence that was said and that, combined with something that happened at PACAA, has left me feeling pretty down about myself.

"Aside from not being very pretty...."

Those words stung to read. I know that I'm not beautiful, or even pretty. I know there are things about the way I look that are not ideal and although it may sound vain, if I were given the power, of course I would change them. But I can't.

At PACAA I was waiting in one of the lines in the dining hall. Two guys who were with another camp at K-town were standing behind me in line and made a horrible, nasty comment about me. I don't think they meant for me to hear it, but that also stung so hard for some reason. I lost my appetite, left the line and returned to the dorm.

I find it frustrating to be someone who truly finds some sort of beauty in almost every person, living thing, and non-living thing... and have people be judgemental about the way I look. Shouldn't karma be kicking in at some point? I don't care if people think I'm not pretty, but I don't want to hear it with my own ears.

So, how do I ignore that and still stand looking into a mirror? Because right now I can't look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I don't want anyone looking at me at all. Which I know is silly, and I've taken enough psych and human development classes to give me knowledge to be able to combat these ridiculous feelings. But still, the self-image part of my brain is winning over the knowledge part of my brain.

And it still hurts to remember those words. And I don't know how to get past it.

LIFE UPDATE!

Okay, okay. I've procrastinated enough. I now present my uber over-due life update:

My plan for post-graduation in January changed drastically by June... as in, did a total 180. This was a result of a lot of different things, of course... plans change! And I'm learning more and more to just go with the flow and do what feels most right and most logical. As spontaneous as all of this may sound, it's all actually been EXTREMELY well thought out and (probably) over-analyzed at great length. The decisions I have made in the past few months and am making now are the best for me, physically, emotionally and mentally.

I am moving to Boston on August 1st- two weeks from today. I'll be living with H and a friend of her's from high school. We signed a lease on an amazing, adorable apartment in the Brighton area of Boston, which is where Boston College is located. We'll be living on the top floor of a two-story duplex. Our apartment has free laundry (a big deal in Boston, we quickly learned), a BACKYARD for Sydney (!!), a fenced garden to grow whatever we want, a huge back deck with a big grill for our use, and is right down the street from a huge park. We're not far from two different forms of transportation (there's a T stop down the street, and in the other direction, Brighton Square where there's numerous bus stops).

No, I do not have a job yet. I plan on taking a year off before grad school, therefore, I need a job. I've applied for a ridiculous amount of jobs and only got one interview. I found out the other day that I didn't get the job - that's okay - I just need to keep searching and applying. However, it's pretty disheartening to apply over and over again and get no response. Are my experiences working and volunteering really not enough to get me a job in a non-profit organization? Am I that bad of a cover letter writer? Is my college GPA not as high as it could be? Is my resume laid out incorrectly? Am I really under-qualified for every single position on the planet? A million questions run through my head everyday, and my mind races at night as I try to figure out what I am doing wrong and why I haven't found a job and it's been two months since I began applying.

So, that part is still being figured out. If I have to, I can turn to nannying full time, but that really isn't what I want to do at all. Although, the pay is great because no taxes are taken out. If anyone knows anyone with connections to a non-profit in Boston, please let me know!

Moving on... next piece of big news: I'm going to be an aunt! My niece will be born sometime in the beginning of December. I am beyond ecstatic! I cannot wait to have a tiny little ball of chub to hold, kiss, and sing to and I can't wait to finally meet her!


Overall, I am happy, well-fed, and safe. I am a little bit nervous/anxious about moving to a brand new big city, but luckily I have great friends - my friend Dan is driving up there with me and staying for a few days to help get me move in and settled. Another friend is going to be living about 10 minutes away from me, and I'm excited to see her more often. I have a great little inconspicuous map of the city/subway system so hopefully I won't get lost too much. I'm excited to move and make a new home. I'm sad to leave Greensboro...it's been my home for 5 years now. I'm sad to leave my best friend and roommate- Kim... I don't know what I'll do without her. We know each other so well and have gotten used to each other's quirks - she's a great roommate. But, hopefully we'll be able to make our way back down here to visit our friends over the next year.

I think that's about it. I'm going to PACAA this Friday, and I can't wait - I feel like PACAA always grounds me. It's like I spend all year being stressed and losing my focus every now and then.. and then during the summer I always have trouble directing myself in any way. PACAA always seems to ground me, and I usually leave it and 1. Sleep for 10 hours straight, and 2. Feel better about whatever my future plans are. Working with teens just does that to me!

I hope you're all having a safe, fun, and peaceful summer!

10

Happy 10th Birthday, Liam.

We miss you so much, still. I think of you very often, and wonder what you would be like at ten... I truly have a hard time picturing you past the perfect five year old that you were.

Brave, Strong, and Courageous... I will always, always strive to be just like you.

I love you.

Kristen.

Music

I've picked up/been introduced to some really sweet music in the last few weeks. Here's a small portion of them, in case any of you are searching for some new tunes!

Noah and the Whale - Blue Skies
Santigold - Lights Out
Vampire Weekend - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa
Jay Brannan - Bowlegged and Starving
OneRepublic - Good Life
Ingrid Michaelson - You and I
Amos Lee - Sweet Pea
Jens Lekman - Your Arms Around Me
Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me
The Weepies - Gotta Have You
K-OS - I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman
Dan Black feat. Kid Cudi - Symphonies (remix)


Big update coming up soon... lots of exciting news. :-)

Catch Up!

I know, I know. I'm way behind on updating about actual events in my life. Let's start out with the biggest one...




















Yes! I graduated from college! It was a great week - I had a lot of family come down for the ceremonies and celebrations. We had an amazing time, and even though H. had her graduation the same weekend, she was able to make it to my departmental graduation and spend the rest of the day with my family. It was so nice to be able to spend time with her and my family at the same time - they really love her.




















Walking across the stage was pretty anti-climactic, actually... the part that meant the most to me was checking my final grades for the semester, seeing my final transcript, and actually being very, very proud of myself - despite being SO close to graduating with honors. (If only I'd studied harder that one semester... etc.)





















After graduation, I promptly spent exactly one week sleeping, doing laundry, and resting my brain. I actually read a book for fun for the first time in months. I caught up on lots of blogs and caringbridges. It felt good to be a real human again!!

After that, I went on an adventure to Los Angeles with Dan as a graduation gift!! That story, however, will have to wait for next time, because it's 2:15am and I am leaving tomorrow for Charlotte. Monday we fly out to Boston, and that story will have to wait as well.

Hope you're all enjoying your summer so far!

Way, way too many.

Ever since Liam was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, I have been keeping up with other children who are battling Neuroblastoma/other cancers and and their families. At first, it was a good way to learn more about NB, understand treatments, read about new therapies, and express my support through messages and guestbook entries. Soon after I began keeping up with children other than Liam, I learned how attached I became to many of these children, even though I'd never met them or their families. Although I am not as involved in the NB world as I used to be, I continue to learn of new children who are diagnosed and continue to keep up with their treatment progress, triumphs and sadness.

It continues to shock me when I learn that a new child has earned their wings. This morning, Kayla passed peacefully into the next world after her battle with cancer. It continues to break my heart and fuels the fire deep inside of me to help contribute to the FIGHT against pediatric cancer.

Too many sweet children have been lost to this disease. Emma Grace, Stanton, Christi, Erin, Katie, Penelope, Sam, James, Austin, Sydney, Max, Lucas, Eden, Kendall... to name a few - and that's just off the top of my head. Children who I followed closely, prayed for, cried for, wished for...

I've been thinking about Liam a lot lately. On the 29th of this month, he would have been 10 years old. It's absolutely mind blowing to imagine him at age ten. I almost can't do it... to me, he will always have a high-pitched little voice, tiny hands and toes, and still have some of his baby chub (except for when he became so very thin due to his treatments). It makes my heart ache just thinking that he's not here to experience grade school, sports, being a big brother, etc. Just the other night, tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized that my concrete memories of Liam are beginning to fade. I have a collection of memories, and I won't ever forget them... but the details are becoming hazy. It's been 4 years, 8 months, and 2 days since the last time I saw Liam, since he hugged me goodbye. Luckily, I have been blogging since before Liam was diagnosed, so in a special place out in the interwebs, I have a lot of posts about different experiences I shared with Liam. I am very thankful that I have those.

Please keep my dear friend Olivia's little friend Ylaria in your thoughts. Her family received devastating news a few months ago, but made the brave decision to try a new therapy- the one in Vermont. Ylaria's neuroblastoma is progressing, so please, send some prayers her way.