Tuesday, August 31, 2010


"i love you.

and i believe in you.


not everything is money.

it sure as hell makes things easier, but it's definitely not everything that makes me happy."

just as quickly as words can bring me down, words can bring me up higher than i thought possible. these were the only words i needed to hear today. i am so lucky.

Monday, August 30, 2010


Every single day, I literally ache to have my camera back. It hurts just to think about all of the amazing photo opportunities that I've had in the last 6 months or so, and my camera lays broken, malfunctioning, in it's camera case in the corner of our bedroom. $243.00 away from being fixed. My heart sunk deep down into my stomach when the man at the camera repair store estimated the cost of fixing it.

I just want it back.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sticks and Stones...

Recently, something happened that I've spent a lot of time thinking about. And it's made me question some things about myself and the way I think about myself.

In short, some pretty awful things were said about me and I accidentally came across those words. Most of them were ridiculous, almost funny judgements because they were untrue. If I could explain the circumstances, it might be easier to understand. However, there was one sentence that was said and that, combined with something that happened at PACAA, has left me feeling pretty down about myself.

"Aside from not being very pretty...."

Those words stung to read. I know that I'm not beautiful, or even pretty. I know there are things about the way I look that are not ideal and although it may sound vain, if I were given the power, of course I would change them. But I can't.

At PACAA I was waiting in one of the lines in the dining hall. Two guys who were with another camp at K-town were standing behind me in line and made a horrible, nasty comment about me. I don't think they meant for me to hear it, but that also stung so hard for some reason. I lost my appetite, left the line and returned to the dorm.

I find it frustrating to be someone who truly finds some sort of beauty in almost every person, living thing, and non-living thing... and have people be judgemental about the way I look. Shouldn't karma be kicking in at some point? I don't care if people think I'm not pretty, but I don't want to hear it with my own ears.

So, how do I ignore that and still stand looking into a mirror? Because right now I can't look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I don't want anyone looking at me at all. Which I know is silly, and I've taken enough psych and human development classes to give me knowledge to be able to combat these ridiculous feelings. But still, the self-image part of my brain is winning over the knowledge part of my brain.

And it still hurts to remember those words. And I don't know how to get past it.