So, Happy Thanksgiving to you all- and thanks for all of the kindness lately.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Leaving for home in a few hours... should be a fun car ride with Haley and Sydney and good music and snacks. It's going to be a busy week - tomorrow we have to bake like eight pies (and a cobbler, on my insistence) and lunch with the girls... Thursday will be THREE Thanksgiving dinners (gotta love that). I'm just ready to be there and leave everything behind me for now.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Have you ever felt like you're drowning, but you're not anywhere near the water? I feel like there's no air here, nothing for me to breath in to effectively to get oxygen to my brain. I try to reach out and grab something, anything, to pull me back up but all that is solid just crumbles. Everything that's solid always disintegrates, that's how it's always been and how it will always be. Terror is beginning to take over my entire body, I can feel it in my fingers and toes. My body aches from treading, it begs me to just let go and drift. People around me are unstable, untrustworthy, un- everything else. My heart is panicking, racing so fast and something other than adrenaline is coursing through my veins. It's fear. And I don't know what to do.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Last night was UNCG's first basketball game of the season against Clemson. We lost the game but had a great time at the tailgate, watching the band and the step team (they were amazing!!) and afterwards we headed back to the guys house and hung around for awhile. I didn't stay late because I had to get up early this morning for a charity kickball tournament (we came in 4th... out of 5 teams haha).
The rest of this weekend is going to consist of A LOT of schoolwork... but every minute that passes puts me closer to being HOME! I can't wait until Tuesday.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I am so lucky. I am one of the only people my age that I know who has all four grandparents still alive. Although I didn't grow up in the same town as my grandparents, both sets have always lived about 3 minutes away from each other, and a little over an hour from where I grew up. I was able to see them often - weekends, holidays, weeks in the summer, etc. They were able to come to birthday parties, graduations, weekend visits... some of my very fondest childhood memories involve my grandparents. As I got older, I was able to realize how to appreciate them each in their own way. They are four separate people, with different qualities and quirks. But they do share one common trait - they all love me... a LOT. I'm lucky for that, too.
My Mommom B. (pictured above, with me at Meghan's wedding rehearsal dinner) has always been someone I've looked at with admiration. We all grew up listening to her stories (so often, in fact, that now I could recite a few), eating her cooking (even Shadow Surprise), playing games with her (her favorite is Yahtzee), listening to her recite poems, sing old songs, and recount memories of The Great Depression. But, what I have always loved about my grandmother is that she has always just "known" some things about me (and I am sure her other grandchildren feel similarly). Now that I'm older, we end up having serious discussions and I find myself telling her things I'd never pictured myself telling someone so old. For the last few years, I usually call my Mommom about once a month just to chat. She always answers, and she is always excited to hear from me. Over the course of our usual 15 minute call, she thanks me throughout for calling. And that's what always makes me call the next time.
Our last few phone calls have been mostly talks of her coming down for my graduation in May. I honestly hadn't been so sure that she could have made the trip because I knew she'd been having some heart problems, and she's just getting pretty old (84, I think?) But after talking to my mom, who told me that my grandmother had made it clear to her that she had every intention of coming, I started to consider the fact that maybe she would make it down. For some reason, of all of my grandparents, my Mommom B. has been like a personal cheerleader when it has come to college. Perhaps it's because she is living somewhat vicariously through my academic accomplishments (and those of all of her grandchildren), since she never got to go to nursing school- something she has dreamed about her entire life. So, having her here would have been extremely special. I can even see the look on her face...
Unfortunately, Mommom just received some pretty bad news. I don't know the specific details... just that she is now in congestive heart failure. The way I'm understanding it, one of the valves in her heart is hardly working at all now. The doctors are unable to do surgery to fix the valve, because there is too much risk involve and she wouldn't make it out of surgery. So, what will happen is that the other valves in her heart will continue to work overtime to pump blood throughout her body. Those valves are going to overwork themselves and eventually become tired - too tired to work at all. It will get harder and harder for her heart to circulate blood to the rest of her body. And then, her heart will cease to pump at all.
Of course, upon hearing this, she claimed that she was going to "outsmart these doctors and live to be 100". She "shooed" the doctor who told her that she had probably 6 months to a year to live). If you'd ever met my grandmother, this statement wouldn't surprise you at all. She's outfoxed many illnesses and prognoses: cancer twice, emphysema, etc. I'm happy to report that she has decided to enjoy living the rest of her life. I expect nothing less of her. She is truly the rock of our family, and holds us together tighter than any glue or bond ever could. Our family has seen more than its fair share of trials and struggles, and while she has been ever present during those, she has also given us a huge gift. She has hugged each of us before we have left her house. She has answered each phone call with "Hey baby!" She has given everyone little pieces of herself and her life, whether it be a crocheted afghan, a camera from the 40s, the recipe for "muddin muddin", or a wise piece of advice that we may not have realized the value of until much later.
I cherish these gifts, and I look forward to spending as much time with Mommom as I can in the future. She has lived a truly exceptional life, and will continue to do so for as long as she wants. I love her more today than I ever have before.
Monday, November 16, 2009
I received some pretty devastating news today...
So many things are running through my head. Guilt at being away for so long, anger at myself and the situation, but mostly just sadness. Pure, heavy sadness of something I've never fully experienced before. I've felt a lot of emotions lately, but sadness, just plain sadness, hasn't really been one of them.
On top of that, expect a post on Thursday. 4 years, really?
In 7 days I'll be home, where I belong right now.
I found some long-lost photos on my SD card that I'd completely forgotten about from earlier this summer. I love this one of my little cousin Jack, he's such a happy and cute kid. I wish so much that I could live closer to him and his sisters. I love those kids so much.
I'm so ready to go home for Thanksgiving. Today while I was modeling, I ran out of things to think about (seriously...imagine what goes on in the head of a figure model who sits or stands for 3 hours and has to come up with things to think about...the result? I think I end up OVERthinking wayyy too many things in my life!) Anyway, around hour 2, I started thinking about Thanksgiving and who I want to see and how I want this all to play out... if I play my cards right, I'll be able to see everyone I want to see and get to do all of the things I want to do. I'm bringing home my friend Haley because she's from Minnesota and isn't flying home for Thanksgiving. She's not going to know what hit her... when I go home, it's a whirlwind of constant motion, always something to do or someone to see, I try so hard to fit it all in. There's 3 people who it is completely and absolutely necessary that I see (aside from my family) so as long as I fit that in, I'll be happy!!
I'm just ready for a break, ready to see my family, see my friends who I miss so much, and eat some good food and not have to think about schoolwork for a little while.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sometimes I just want to pack a duffel bag, grab my pillow and Sydney's bed, and leave all of my stuff behind, leave all of my stress behind, and drive to Vermont, find a tree house cabin, and live there forever.
Because is all of this really worth it? Do I need academic or professional success in order to be fulfilled?
Or is the success of interpersonal relationships enough? Is friendship success enough? Trust? Empathy? Love?
I don't want my life to be defined by work.
And I'm starting to go a little crazy.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
So, I obviously haven't been posting as much lately. It's not because I don't have anything to write about! And that is pretty much the reason I haven't been around lately - there is just so much going on in my life, my blog has taken a back seat (among many other things, including friends, leisure activities, spending time with Sydney, and other things I consider important in my life).
Sometimes I come on here and feel guilty that it's been over a week since I've written anything, and then I think about the four or five things I could update about or have things to say about, and realize I really don't have the time to do it, or that something else more pressing needs to get done while I still have the energy.
Basically, I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my entire life. I have never been so busy in my entire life.
I go to something rugby related (practice, board meeting, team meeting, team building) 4 nights a week (Mon-Thurs). I babysit three days a week, and beginning on Wednesday, I will be modeling 2 days a week (at 8am... ugh... but, it's money.) I have countless essays, exams, group projects, papers, research to be done... I am trying to study for the GREs and fill out grad school applications. My room hasn't been cleaned in weeks, and I'm down to my last pair of underwear (TMI? too bad, it's my life).
Sadly, as much as taking a "blog break" has been kind of nice, I'd love to just take a "life break" and have a few days to myself. But, I am in the homestretch. Graduation is in 6 months, and I can see the finish line (it may be off in the distance, but it's there and I can see it!)
I'll end this with some good news. Last week I went in for an interview for a possible internship. It was the first interview that I set up, and our professor suggested applying to 3 different places since internships are so competitive in my major. I went to my interview last Tuesday and was offered the internship on the spot. I can't tell you where I'll be, but I can describe in better detail what I'll be doing for 300+ hours next semester... later. I don't have the energy to type it all out now (I still have a paper to write and a stat quiz to take tonight!) But, something interesting - I will not be interning at a children's hospital, or with a child life department. More on that aspect of my life coming soon...
For now, I'm living the coffee-every-morning, redbull-every-evening, no-time-for-naps, crazy, out of control life of an almost finished undergrad who barely has time to even think, let alone get any personal life things done. I know I promised more phone calls to those of you expecting them, but hopefully you guys know that it's not because I don't want to call. I feel like I'm barely treading water. However, it's the price I pay. So far, all A's this semester and my rugby team is 3rd in the state. Hallelujah for accomplishments that make me feel like this insane life I am living is worth it.
PS. On top of all of that, I am dealing with round 2 of the Swine Flu. So, cough drops, Nyquil, and popsicles have become my best friends.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
There are people in my life who I will be forever grateful for. People who would drop everything for me. People who will answer a call or text at 3:30am. People who keep my secrets. People who love me for the person that I am (or at least the person I try to be). People who can look me in the eye and know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm an incredibly lucky person. Some of my closest friends are family members or people I've only known for a few years or friendships that have survived years of distance and us only seeing each other a few times a year.
I just wanted to recognize that. It's so good to have friends, and I am so thankful for the ones that I have. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. Sometimes I don't even know if I deserve them.
"Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down."