Wednesday, December 27, 2006

"I'm a big girl now...remember?"

Yesterday Kels and I woke up and drove home from Maryland, where we spent Christmas with my dad's family. As we were driving, Mrs. Kane called and wanted us to go see a movie with their whole family (all of the grandparents included!) So, we drove straight over to Granite Run mall, where we saw The Nativity was interesting, actually. It was excellently made. After the movie, Kels had to go somewhere but I said I'd babysit, so we all went back to the Kanes and they got ready to go out. And then the fun began...

I'll be able to post more pictures soon... Alli and I had A LOT of fun that night haha. My computer power cord / AC adapter broke the other night, so I can't charge my laptop until the new one comes in... and the other pictures are on that computer. Some quotes from the night include, "I have a very cute heiny, did you know that??" and when I tucked Alli in and gave her a kiss, she said, "I love you to the sky, to the moon, to Liam, and back." ...

My Christmas was great... lots of food, family, etc. Nothing too exciting, except for what happened on Christmas day. I really just didn't plan on my dad finding out like that... whoops. I saw Matt Layman last night too, it was good to see him. It's so weird that I've only seen him twice in the past year...but it was good to see him.

Tonight Laura and I are driving up to Chatham, to Em's house, and in the morning, Meredith, Mariah, Elise, and Colleen are riding up to meet us, and then we're all going into the should be fun :D

Time to take the Syd out. Peace all around-
Love everywhere,

Sunday, December 24, 2006

So this is Christmas...

Liam's last real Christmas- December 25th, 2004.

Today we celebrated Christmas at my house, because my mom has to work tomorrow. So we woke up just like it was Christmas morning -- "Santa" hid the pickle in the tree, I FOUND THE PICKLE (I never find it!) So I got to open the first present... our stockings were stuffed with cool stuff, and Sydney loved all of her new toys - I'll post pictures later :)

It was a great day, and we went to church in the evening. I didn't really think anything of it, but I realized on the way there that I hadn't been inside of St. Davids since the day of Liam's funeral, in November 2005. Upon realizing this, I started to get a little nervous...and when we walked in, the only seats in the room were in the front row. Before the service started I looked around. People were missing... Mr. Brennesholtz passed away a few months ago. Our usual pastor has retired, and we have a new one - (a woman!) At one point in my life, I have babysat for almost every single child who attends that church...and they all look SO old, and SO grown up. Some of them are babysitters now themselves. As the service was starting, I laid my eyes upon the most beautiful family that I have ever and will ever know - The Kanes. When Mr. and Mrs. Kane saw us, they actually left their row and came over to hug Kelsey and I! It was so good to see them, it made me so happy. Alli looks so beautiful. She is the stunning image of Liam, it almost hurts your heart to look at her chubby cheeks.

And so we sat down, and that's when I felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. During the children's pageant (which, by the way, was the way that I met Liam...he was a cow and Alli was a sheep, back at ages 2 and like 8 months) I held back tears, during every single song and passage I was biting my lip, staring at the ceiling of our church, trying my best to keep from ruining my makeup. But when it was time for communion, and I watched the Kane family of 3 (4?) walk up and kneel, without Liam.. I just lost it. The tears that had been welling up for half an hour just spilled and plinked all over my sweater and my jeans. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I snuck out the back and gave myself a few minutes to cry, I checked in the mirror in the bathroom and of course I looked like a whore caught in the rain ... really, why did I put on mascara?!? I tried my best to look normal and went back for the rest of the service. We sang Christmas carols, we said the Peace, and before I knew it, the service was over and I was making plans with Mrs. Kane to hang out with Alli on Tuesday (I think we're going to go see a movie). Alli was holding Lamby...which is a beanie baby Lamb that was Liam's favorite thing to hold. It's so dirty, I don't think the Kanes have ever washed it...I wouldn't either. Here's a good shot of Liam with Lamby -- this picture was taken soon after he relapsed, in April 05.

I love that family with my entire heart. My tears have pretty much dried up...sometimes you feel better after just crying it all out, and then writing it all out. Now I'm ready to go help my mom cook dinner and get ready for tomorrow. We're heading to Maryland to spend the day with my dad and his side of the family. Always an interesting experience...
I wish everyone a Merry Christmas- be safe, and have fun.
Love everywhere,

Friday, December 22, 2006

All I want for Christmas...

Christmas Tree '06 .. the picture is a little blurry, but our tree is just like the one we get every year. Sort of pear shaped, very fat, and perfect - in my opinion :)

Me and the Syd...She was waiting patiently for a treat.
So... the holidays are officially here, now that we A. have a tree, B. have seen every Christmas light display in North Wilmington (including the Top of the Hill house), and C. are pretty much finished with Christmas shopping. Oh, also I've watched A Christmas Story TWICE. haha. Happy last night of Hannukah to you Jews out there, by the way.

A friend of mine did something really incredibly nice for me the other night - she caught me really off guard and just did something she didn't have to do. I was shocked, and I've been trying to figure out how to do something nice for her in return, but I also love the idea of Pay it Forward, so I've been holding a whole lot of doors for people and smiling at a lot of strangers!!

My mom is working on Christmas Day this year, so we are celebrating Christmas on Sunday- Christmas Eve. We'll wake up just like it's Christmas and everything, it will be fun. I'm super excited for my mom to open up her present...Em and I searched forever to find her the perfect thing that I wanted to get her. I hope she likes it. Speaking of presents...I'm finally done buying what I wanted to get Em for Christmas. Now I just need to do a little work on it... ;-D
I got an invitation today to the annual Family Christmas Party (aka, the BHS Varsity Field Hockey team of the 2004/2005 school year) My senior year of high school, our hockey team became extremely close... I don't know if it was because of our trip to the Hamptons in NY, or if it had to do with the extremely sad death of the father of one of our teammates... or maybe just because we were all so similar (and very different sometimes). But man..we had some fun times. This is the picture from our Family Reunion last Christmas - I'm in a pinkish sweater on the right. (That was also the outfit that I wore to Liam's viewing... I can't look at that sweather without thinking about it, and the viewing and this party were the only times I ever wore those white pants.) ... I just remembered that this picture is missing a person - Nina Julian, who refused to be in it because she said she didn't look good enough to be in a picture.. I think she's hiding behind us.
I thought about visiting Liam while I'm home...maybe on Christmas Day- since I won't have much else to do. I'm a little nervous though.. I went with Em during Thanksgiving Break- it's just so odd. There's no headstone, no anything. I know that it's what the Kanes wanted... and I understand, when your child of five years dies, who cares about gravestones or markers? I wouldn't be able to look at it, and see the dates. Thinking about Liam's dates makes me physically ill, so I try not to. Either way, I respect the Kanes decision, but it just makes the place where Liam is buried a little bit surreal. I kind of feel like he's not really under that dirt, that it's a joke. And he'll pop out from behind the bushes and giggle. It's kind of I'm still waiting for the website to have an update from Mr. Kane claiming that this has all been a sick joke, and that Liam has been hiding under his bed..
Time to get wrapping - we're having Christmas with my mom's side of the family in Chestertown today. It should be fun - I haven't seen Coulby (4) and Emma (2) since August - and there's Baby Jack who I haven't even met yet! Yesterday my mom and I went to Michaels... I guess since there's a new baby, my cousin Sherri was having trouble getting both Coulby and Emma off to school, and since Sherri is staying at home now, she can let Emma stay home too, since she's only two and doesn't HAVE to go to daycare/preschool whatever. But Emma is really sad...she told my mom, "Coulby gets to go to school and I have to stay home with mommy and Baby Jack. I miss my friends and I miss the things I make." I guess she used to make lots of crafts and stuff where ever she went. So my mom, who has the softest heart of anyone I know haha, took me to Michaels and we picked out A TON of crafts for her to do. And it's hard to figure out crafts for a two year old (almost three..) to do. It's so cute, and I'm stoked b/c we bought all these suncatchers and suncatcher paint, for us to work on today with the girls! So cute, I LOVE hanging out with them.
I'm off...
Love Everywhere,

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Happy Resilience Day!

A PostSecret, November '05

December 20th, 2006. Happy THIRD Resilience Day!! For those of you who didn’t read my livejournal, Resilience Day is just a day to celebrate… to celebrate LIFE and LOVE and how easy (and hard) it can be for us to bounce back after things happen in life. Things we can control and things we can’t. Either way, it’s a day to celebrate whatever you need to celebrate. And I have A TON to celebrate about at this point in my life!!

Things get easier everyday. Sometimes I still sting. Not when I have bad dreams, that’s different. But everyday, during the ins and outs of my life…for the most part, I am very healed. But sometimes it’s hard to believe I’ll ever fully heal.

There is a fundraiser that I’ve been checking out for about a year or so. It’s called Operation Freefall – check it out at There’s a drop zone in North Carolina (coincidentally, it’s closest to Wilmington, on the coast…)

So, today…spend the day celebrating whatever you WANT. I’ll be celebrating about the fact that I have enough money to buy all of the people I love presents, the fact that Sydney is SO CUTE when she chases around Simba the cat, and I’ll DEFINITELY be celebrating the fact that I am alive, healthy, and healing.

Love everywhere,

hip hip HOORAY

Sunday, December 10, 2006

We were striking matches just to watch 'em burn..

:) I like this bumper sticker A LOT.

September 19, 2006- Turner's birthday as well as the day that Christi Thomas earned her angel wings. ( I'd check out that site, it's sooo worth it. The Thomas Team (a sort of famous family in the NB world) met the Kanes at the NB conference in Chicago in 2004, and Liam is a member of Christi's Clubhouse (the section on her website where other NB kids are linked.) Christi was friends with and went through treatment with Alex Scott who is the founder of Alex's Lemonade Stand. Now, Liam, Alex, and Christi are all together playing :)

The two pictures above the one of Em and I are ones that I took in Burlington, Vermont when I visited Rachel and Meag last spring break. The graffiti on the walls brought tears to my eyes!! I have so many more pictures, I'll post them sometime. The top picture is my favorite one, it's so was the background of my computer for a long time. I love trees...and trees that transform into things.

Em and I tied a red bow on Sydney and she looks like a Christmas puppy. I wish I could find my camera to take a picture!! We're leaving in a few minutes to drive home, I just wanted to get one more post in before I got home... I know it's been a few days since I had a good post, but I had all of my finals on Thursday and Friday, Christmas parties on Thursday and Saturday night, and I babysat all afternoon on Saturday! So it's been a busy few days.

And now we're off to Delaware for a few days, then New Jersey for a few days, and then VERMONT for a few days at Kim's cabin in the woods haha. And then back to DE for a quiet Christmas with my beautiful mother. She's actually working on Christmas day, so we're celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve - and then Christmas day we're spending with my dad and his family.

Note to self: make your next post about the present Suzi and Elliott gave you.

Love everywhere,

Wednesday, December 6, 2006


I just wrote a very long paragraph about trust, but I think this picture pretty much says it all for me right now.


Tuesday, December 5, 2006


The Bay Bridge, Oct. '06

This picture was taken in October of this year, when I went home for fall break... 11 months after Liam's death. Alli Kane is now four years old, and she has Liam's eyes, his nose, his chubby cheeks and his beautiful spirit.

I love this picture. Elise and I at Live8, July '05

I am so happy that I was able to go to Live8. I mean, one concert in the US, and it happened to be twenty minutes from my house!! Elise and I decided that we wanted to go, whether any of our parents were going (we were graduated man, we could do anything we wanted!!!!) ... but, as it turned out, my mom and sister wanted to go as well - so the four of us drove to the train station in Media, PA and then took the Trolley to the first stop on the El. And then we rode the train into the city, it was SO MUCH FUN. There was so many kids, all with camelbacks full of beer and everyone ready for an amazing concert with an awesome message -- even though I am not naive enough to believe that every single person who attended Live8 was there because they wanted to help the crisis in Africa ;) I'll never forget what the Ben Franklin Parkway looked like - it was insanity!! There were over a million people!! I've never been to a bigger event.

Short post tonight, Em is getting sleepy so we're going to get some sleep for tomorrow.
Love everywhere.

PS. The random pictures are because I'm on Em's computer, and she doesn't have many saved, so I went onto my photobucket site and pulled up a few...

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

You, Me, We.

(click to enlarge & read)

Last year, I was walking down the boys hall in Mendenhall (the dorm that connected to mine) and this was posted on someone's door. I later looked it up, because it struck me so hard. I also researched it, and it's all accurate. Kevin Carter was the photographer, and he really did kill himself a few months after he spent time in Africa, photo-documenting the famine and poor living conditions.

Em was telling me about a book called Nickeled and Dimed. In it, a woman who is well educated decides to see what it's like to live on minimum wage at three different jobs. She lets herself start out with only $100. And she finds that life is a lot harder when you're stuck in a lower class position. That's the really are "stuck". Lets say.. you are 24 years old. You have two children, and a boyfriend who is not the father of either of your children. The children's father sends you some cash when he can, but he also doesn't have very much. You have a job at McDonalds making minimum wage because you couldn't afford to go to college. Then you find out your pregnant again - because you can't afford birth control. (I mean, feed your kids dinner every night or prevent more kids, which is more important??) Some would argue the BC, but when you come home at night and your children are looking at you with hungry faces, how can you make that decision? It's like an endless do you get out of it? Maybe once you have the third child, your boyfriend leaves you. Then, you have three kids, you have to pay for them to go to daycare during the day, and McDonalds is just not paying you enough. So what do you turn to? What makes a ton of money REAL quick? Two things - prostitution and drugs. Not to say that all prostitutes are lower class, but it's a common occurence - and it's no secret that being a prostitute will make you a lot of money, and we all know what the drug world is like. I wish that the people in this world who aren't as privledged (sp?) had a way to climb out of that hole - instead we make it harder for them. And as we all know, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

On a lighter note - the holidays are here, and everyone seems to be getting into a Christmasy/Hannukahy (haha?) sort of spirit. Kim has every pre-set radio channel set to the Christmas music station, and all 6 CDs in her CD Drive are Christmas CDs! I was driving down Walker Ave today and saw atleast four different people waiting for buses. I had such an urge each time to offer them a ride - they looked harmless. However, I'm not naive enough to forget that you can't judge people by their looks. A man in a business suit may be the serial killer while the schizophrenic woman in the purple dress and pigtails is probably the nicest person in Greensboro. Which makes it hard for me to do nice things, you never know how people will react. I had three leftover brownies after my ASL class today, but did I offer any of them to the people I passed on the street on the way back to the car? No... On that same note - today Kyla and I were sitting inside and a man on a bike stopped in front of our house. He looked pretty raggedy/unshaven. And he came up to the door and Kyla said, "Should I answer it?" and I said, "yeah" and she said, "He probably wants money" and opened the door, and he said, "Excuse me, I found these keys on the sidewalk outside of your house, do they belong to anyone who lives here?" And they were Liz's keys, she must have dropped them last night ... We thanked him (I should have offered him a brownie haha), and he went on his way. So...thank you random unshaven man who Kyla and I misjudged!

One more thank you before I sign off --

I was riding down West Market today, on my way to Ems apartment. And there was a pretty bad accident in front of the Harris Teeter (grocery store) ... two cars totaled, another smashed up. And they were putting the people on stretchers when I rode by. Well, that reminded me... when Laura and I were in an accident a few years ago, and I broke my nose and Laura burned her arms - I was laying on the side of 141 and this lady who was behind us driving had pulled over, she got out of the car and talked to me until the ambulance came. She held my hand the WHOLE time, even while they were putting me on the stretcher and into C Spine, and right until they closed the ambulance doors. She was so nice and thoughtful, and said just the right things so that I would stop crying. I'm very very sad that I never asked for her name. I would love to send her a holiday card...

That's enough. Sending love.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I fight with love.

We are TOO COOL for school ;) Maria and I at the beach on her birthday weekend, June 2005.

My graduation party, June 2005. Mariah, Theresa, Maria, Julie, Elise, and me.

I MISS THE NEWMEYERS HOUSE...Theresa, Mariah, Me, Mer, Julie.
I'll explain this picture later...

Me and Julie, Feb. 2005.

The Magic Garden at South Street - my favorite place : )

Me and Laura, ski trip at some point during high school.

HA, those tights are so pink. Erica, Me, Lindsay.

High school. It can't be summed up in all of these pictures, not by a long shot. If I were going to proportionally represent high school, there would be a lot of other people-- however, I am illustrating my favorite part of high school, which happened to be the last two years of it (surprisingly.) The LSC has been one of the best things in my life... I am so thankful for my friends. I thought about it yesterday all day. I'm thankful for so much, so many people, all of the things that I have, my puppy...everyone. But the LSC has been such a good cornerstone. It's like a backup know it will always be there. I love my friends so much. These pictures are just some random times, I could have posted seven HUNDRED pictures instead of seven, but I just picked these ones out randomly.

The picture of me dancing with that old man in the mall ... we had a scavenger hunt at one point during my senior year... and one of the things on the list was for someone to teach you the jitterbug! But you weren't allowed to tell them that you were doing a scavenger hunt...So we went to the mall and I found this group of old men and women sitting together, and told them that I was learning about the Jitterbug in school and could they possibly show me how to do it? So all the old people like, pointed to that old man and were cheering for him (apparently he was a great dancer earlier in his life haha) and so he got up, all proud, and taught me the Jitterbug right in the food court of the Concord Mall! So cute...
I was going through all of the music on this computer, and it's so crazy how I've changed over the years. There's a ton of Led Zeppelin, Jefferson Starship/Airplane, Grateful Dead, CSNY, and Jimi Hendrix... it's so weird that I barely listen to that anymore. Well, I still listen to Led Zep and The Dead every once in awhile, but not nearly as much as I used to.

The other night Maria, Theresa and I had a really long talk about high we remember it. It's crazy how fast it went, and how far away it feels. The things we went through in high was so much more than "drama"... actually that word can't even be used to describe what we all went through in high school. I will never be able to thank my friends enough for standing up for me, and for loving me no matter what... and some of my friends hurt me and I'll also never forget that. But I think in the end, that's not what matters...

It's friday today... tonight is our GS reunion, and TOMORROW Em comes!
PS- feel free to leave me comments anytime, I'm not really sure who's reading this, I'd love to know :)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Anyway, the thing is...what I really mean. Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

Liam, Jan. '05...3 months before relapse.
Kelsey got a tattoo today...I took a picture with my phone but I don't know how to access it on the internet (someone teach me!). It's a heart with wings and a little halo, and it has Liam and Christine's initials under it on each's exactly what she wanted, so of course she loves it. It looks really awesome too, her artist was awesome. My mom and I are going to him for ours, most definitely. The place was so clean and it was such a good atmosphere.

Today is the 22nd... a year ago today, actually right at this time, we were at Liam's viewing. It was pretty much a dream for me, I don't remember a whole lot of it, except that I signed with Mrs. Kane's deaf sister and took care of Alli most of the night. And of course I remember what Liam looked like. I was terrified, especially since Liam was in half of his halloween costume that he'd refused to take off in the last few weeks of his life. So he was dressed as a Power Ranger SPD Dino Thunder ... I have a picture of Liam in his halloween costume on halloween...He's in the halloween parade at our church, and he's waving to his daddy. He felt so sick that day (as it was only 2 weeks before he passed away) but he wanted to be a part of the parade so badly.
Days are easier when you just write.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I believe in you, and I believe in love.

BHS Field Hockey 2004. Find me!
Me and Kels being silly at the beach.
Homecoming 2003.
Making Jr. Staff, Summer '04
Christine Luciano, age 2
I'm a big sister! July 28, 1989

I was browsing through the pictures on this computer to find one to post, and I just kept finding more and more pictures that I hadn't seen in years! The field hockey picture is just funny, and I posted it here so that I could save it to my laptop when I go back to North Carolina. The others are just random photos... Notice my cool knee brace in the picture of me making jr. staff. Making jr. staff was the only good thing that happened to me that year! Just kidding ;) Also, I found that picture of Christine, which I thought was sooo cute, so I just had to post it. It's been 4 months since Christine passed away... How horrible that we lost Liam and Christine within 8 months of each other. 5 years old and 17 years's enough to keep you up all night.
Anyways, on a lighter note- I'm back home in Delaware!! Yes, Delaware is spelled with one "l" and there is only ONE "e". You'd be surprised how often it is misspelled. It's good to be here, but it's kind of weird. I feel like an adult, and I kind of feel like I'm staying in a hotel. Sydney likes it here, lots of room to roam around and there's not random shit and trash everywhere like at 2004 Walker. She also likes my mom a lot, so she spends a lot of time just laying by her feet while she's cooking or reading or watching TV :) My mom was so angry when I got her, and she still pretends a little that she resents the fact that I got her...but then I'll sneak a peek upstairs and my mom will be kissing her or passing her a bite of her sandwhich or taking a picture of her with her camera phone (my mom is so hip!! HA!)

Em spent the night last night and then left this morning for NJ - my mom was super cool, she let us sleep in the same bed and everything... which I just wasn't sure how she'd react. We haven't talked about it, but I don't think we need to. She's happy that I'm happy :) I was sad that Em left this morning, it's weird to be lying around doing nothing, and not doing it with her haha. It's always good to have time apart, but this week is so rough, as all I can think about is what Thanksgiving Break was like last year. Emergency flights home, buying new clothes for awful services, crying myself to sleep everynight, etc.

Wilmington has actually been changing a lot... a lot of stores are gone or replaced by other stores...the roadwork has changed EVERYTHING, especially over by Weldin Rd. and where Foulk Rd. meets Concord Pike. Does anyone else find it weird that we now have a traffic circle Wilmington!!?? Strange, last time I checked this wasn't New Jersey!!
It's good to see my friends again. The LSC has certainly spread out all over the country. We're in... Colorado, Wisconsin, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and a few left in Delaware. I don't know if there will ever be a time again when all members of the LSC will be together again. It's highly unlikely, as our schedules are all INSANE and half of us are beginning to semi-settle where we're going to school. I'm the only one who doesn't live in dorms this year, but next year more of my friends will be living off their campuses...and that means you don't get kicked out during breaks and during the summer!!

Time to help my mom cook some dinner :)
Love Always,

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Let your love cover me like a pair of angel wings

Some of my favorites...

Liam and Alli in the bathtub...pre-Neuroblastoma

Liam shortly after diagnosis...April 2004

Liam a week after relapse. This picture was taken on my 18th birthday-- 4/17/05

Well, here it is...November 19, 2006. I've wondered what this day would feel like. I've experienced anniversaries of bad things before, but this one is a little bit different. It feels very surreal. 7 minutes ago, it was exactly one year since my mom called me and said the words, "Today is the day that Liam died." I was in the Caf with Sara and our friend Nikki... I got up from the table, ran downstairs and outside and ran around in circles, I didn't know where to go or what to do, I wanted to shatter my phone on the ground.. I wanted my mom to take back what she said. But I hung up on her and sank into the cement steps next to the fountain outside of my dorm.

I wish I could say that I have so far spent this day remembering Liam during the happy days, the pain-free days... but it's so hard. All I can think about is how much horrible pain he was in, how badly his body hurt. "Mommy, I feel like my head is going to crack..." He said those words three weeks before he passed away. He was in pain for so long... it hurts so bad so think about. I seriously feel physical pain just thinking about it.

Dear Liam James Kane,

First of all, thanks for helping me yesterday- you probably saved my life. A million thank yous...and hugs and kisses. I miss you so much today, little man. All I can hear is your little voice ringing in my ears and it hurts so badly to know that I will never hear that voice again. I sent you balloons when everyone else did a few weeks ago, mine were just a little south than the big bunch that everyone else sent up! I hope you got my message. You did, I know you did. You get all of my messages. I can't believe it really has been one whole year since you've been gone. I think about you each and every day, and you are always with me when I'm making decisions and when I'm spreading love. I have so much more to say but you know it all anyway. I love you and I miss you, and I'm sending you an "I Love You" sign language hand, because that was always so special to me.

Love Always,


One of the last pictures taken of Liam ... 11/12/05

I was going to end the post here, but that picture isn't how I want to end this...


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Match in the gas tank, Boom Boom.

Me and Amy at the '05 "Family" Reunion.

Last night I saw UConn play UMD in the semifinals of the NCAA Division I Field Hockey Championships. The game went into double overtime, and then a strokeoff, and UConn lost by one stroke. The game was amazing. The reason I went to see isn't because I'm a hockey nut (although I wouldn't mind being one, it's such a great sport-) Amy Williams, a good friend of mine from high school, now plays hockey for UConn. She's a freshman this year, so she basically sits the bench until she gets a little bit older. But it was so great to see her, I surprised her. Her reaction was absolutely priceless. I was holding a hot dog and she jumped on me, hugged me and jumped around and knocked my hotdog 4 rows down the stands...spraying relish on a poor innocent bystander's blanket ;)

GS Camp Grove Point, 2004

I saw this picture today when I was on facebook. Laura posted it in this group, and it reminded me of how much I miss girl scouts. Call me a dork all you want, it was just amazing to spend time with such awesome people. I miss those girls, I miss how the 8 of us were a small family...everyone contributing something different to the pot. What a great thing to be a part of for 13 years.

This picture was taken in NYC last year, about a month and a half after Liam passed away. I saw this huge brontosaurus painted on the side of a building, and I had to snap a picture- anything that's dino related automatically makes me think of the little man. I'm scared, nervous, and anxious to wake up tomorrow morning. November 19th. Liam, please give me the strength to get out from under the covers tomorrow morning. Thank you buddy.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

I think I'll write a book.

Today for my bio class I had to drive to Kernersville, which is about 30 minutes away, to build bird houses with three other girls. It was quite an experience. The girl who carpooled with me is named Kristin. And she is a Neo-Nazi. Well, she actually was a she, "just hates everyone, not just black people and fags". Sooo..that was interesting. I mean, she's a nice girl (which is hard for me to say, after listening to all the shit that comes out of her mouth in biolab every week). She is just extremely abrasive, cusses like a sailor, and hates everyone who is different than her. The thing is, somehow I can stand to be around her. I spent an hour in the car with her today and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I asked her a lot of questions, because I really want to understand why she thinks the way she does and how she came about those feelings. She grew up Lutheran, and the only thing that offends her is when people say "God Damn" ... well shit buddy, I say "God Damn" a whole lot, and she let me know what she thought everytime I said it! I mean, I was hammering nails into awful wood, I hit my fingers a lot and kept bending the nails. Worse phrases than "God Damnit" were definitely pouring out! It's just interesting to me I guess..

The birdhouse making was actually kind of fun, once we got started. All we had were some wooden planks...we had to measure them out, cut them with a table saw, and then assemble them using a drill bit to drill holes, a NAIL GUN!, and of course, - a trusty hammer for the big nails :) I really had fun, as I am definitely an "instant gratification" kind of person. I like to see the product of my sweat and blood. (Which I somehow produced both of today.) My birdhouse looked cool, and I wish I could have taken a picture of it. I've never used a nail gun before...I'd used a table saw and drills before - in Tech Ed in Middle School. But never by myself. I felt extremely accomplished, and played "Hammer and a Nail" by Indigo Girls in the car on the way home... and sang along loudly, which if course set off the Neo-Nazi in my front seat. "You listen to country?! Shit girlfriend, this is some dang country music, I know you don't listen to no country music, you're from the north!" Well, first of all... IG is hardly "country". I guess they're classified technically as "folk music" but who knows really, they're a lot of things I think. Either way... her comment just made me laugh, it takes a lot to offend me.

When I got back from birdhouses, I had Audiology... one of the professors in my department is doing a clinical study on the correlation between iPod or MP3 use and hearing loss, and we got 5 points extra credit if we participated today. So all I had to do was fill out a survey about how much I use my iPod, and then get my hearing tested. I was really surprised to find out that I hear about 10 dB better in my right ear. I always thought I had the same hearing. The left ear is still normal, it's just that my right ear hears a little bit better than normal. Cool :)
The picture that I posted with this post is one that I took at Senior Week in June '05. The first night that we got there, Mer, Joey and me (and maybe someone else?) stayed up all night and watched the sunrise on the beach. Beautiful :)
Heading home in FOUR days!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through.

This picture was a secret that was posted on Postsecret a few months ago. I liked it, and saved it to my files- as I do with many secrets that are posted that I can relate to or that strike a chord in me.

Today wasn't the best day ever. It didn't have a bad ending, just a bad start and a really bad middle.
Someone asked me yesterday, if I could have said one more thing to Liam, what would I have said ... and at the time I didn't know how to respond. But I wouldn't say anything, I would hold up the "I Love You" hand in sign language... no words needed. Liam would understand. He completely associated that sign with me, and I could not have been prouder to have taught that to him. He understood.
That's about all that I have to say today. I'm tired, and I have to get up early tomorrow morning and build birdhouses...explanation later.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Beauty Like That Knows No Home.

I took this picture the morning of Christine's funeral, before the bus left ESU for the funeral home. Kristy was with me - we like to think of it as Liam and Christine, making a guest appearance at PACAA. We sat and watched them for about 10 full minutes. They fluttered around us and around the flowers, they went away a few times, but they kept coming back. I like the picture because Christine's two favorite colors were green and pink, and Liam's two favorites were green and orange, and all of those colors are very prominent and very vivid in this photo.

Today I overheard the most asinine conversation. I'm currently reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris, and I found a couch in the EUC (our student center) in between classes to get a few pages in. These two girls on the couch across from me were discussing whether homosexuality was a product of nature or nuture (neither of them were familiar with the phrase, trust was more like ridiculous comments.) One girl actually said that she thought maybe "gay people are happening more because moms aren't dressing their girls in all pink anymore, and their boys in all blue, and kids don't have as much of a personal identity anymore" ... WHAT? I also fell off my couch when she said that! Imagine... a little boy turning gay because his mom didn't dress him in all blue when he was a baby? I mean, her point was somewhat valid, the part about the identity. However, whatever you were dressed in as a child is not going to affect your sexuality. It might affect your sexual identity - it might confuse you at some point, more so if your mom was extreme and like, dressed you in skirts or something. But the truth will be revealed. It always is.

I need to get some sleep. More tomorrow.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Old Endings.

"If you're going to tell someone the truth, make them laugh first, because the truth may kill them." -unknown.

I talked to my advisor last week about my major. Nothing was really resolved, but atleast I have a little more time to do the thinking that I've been putting off for the past five months. I really don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. There are a few things that I think I'd be good at...but teaching deaf children is not one of them!

Imagine how scary that is. I have been completely convinced that I know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. And then all the sudden I realized, it was like a light switch was turned on in my head. I realized that I really don't even want to teach at all, let alone teach deaf students. I need my life to be bigger than that. Not that teaching isn't big...but I need... bigger.

When I say that, no one really gets it. My advisor and my sign language teacher both just kind of cocked their heads...they don't get it. My girlfriend and Becky Layman are the only people who've even responded to that statement. I just need my life to MEAN something. I can't work at a meaningless job for the rest of my life... I need to be helping people and making people happy..just so that I can fall asleep at night knowing that there is a purpose for me here on this Earth.

There has to be a reason that I'm here. It can't just be "because". I've survived so much in my lifetime, I think we all have. Just the fact that we've made it to 19 or 23 or 46 or 89 is a miracle in itself, don't you think? How many times have you been behind the wheel of a car or how many airplanes have you been on... or how many times has the riptide pulled you a little further out to sea and made you nervous. Just something that I think about sometimes. Someone asked me a question from an "If" book once that said, "If you could be informed of the day of your death and how it happens, would you want to know?" Of course I wouldn't want to know. Some people said they wanted to know because then they could live their lives to the fullest and not waste their last days doing meaningless things. But...sometimes those meaningless things are the things that matter.

Life happens and we can't stop it or slow it down, we can only improve it and improve the lives of everyone around us. That's what really matters.

I guess we all do what we have to do to find peace.

New Beginnings.

In a week from today, on Sunday the 19th of November, it will be one whole year since Liam James Kane took his final breath and forever became a part of the earth. Em and I sent him love and balloons last weekend. It's absolutely unreal that he's been gone for a year.

I'm constantly trying to make sense of things that may never be resolved. Why must a 5 year old succumb to cancer. That "c" word... that ugly word...cancer. It's a nightmare. Nonetheless, I cannot go back in time, and I did not have the power to transfer Liam's cancer to my own body (which I wished to do so many times). Now I can only close my eyes when it is raining, when the sun is shining on me, and when the wind is flowing around me and know that he is all around me, wrapping me up in a huge hug whenever possible. Thanks, buddy. I miss you and love you. :)

What else.. well, I've been thinking about getting a new blog because LiveJournal just doesn't do it for me anymore. LJ was nice in high school and all that, but I felt like I was writing for my friends. I want to write for myself again, like how I started out.

I've learned a lot from my dog Sydney. She's some sort of hound..everyone has their guesses. Doberman, Red Doberman, Rottweiler, Coon Hound, Lab...she's a big mix (like a tie dye!!). But I love her and she teaches me things everyday. She's a permanent fixture in my life and even though I can't always afford the best, most premium dog food and even though sometimes she has to hang out in the backyard with the other dogs, she still loves me. (I bet it's cause I rescued her from that awful pound!)

That's enough for today. I often have so many thoughts that are in my head...complaints, ideas to change the world, life plans to remember and record...I'll be back soon.