Old Endings.

"If you're going to tell someone the truth, make them laugh first, because the truth may kill them." -unknown.

I talked to my advisor last week about my major. Nothing was really resolved, but atleast I have a little more time to do the thinking that I've been putting off for the past five months. I really don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. There are a few things that I think I'd be good at...but teaching deaf children is not one of them!

Imagine how scary that is. I have been completely convinced that I know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. And then all the sudden I realized, it was like a light switch was turned on in my head. I realized that I really don't even want to teach at all, let alone teach deaf students. I need my life to be bigger than that. Not that teaching isn't big...but I need... bigger.

When I say that, no one really gets it. My advisor and my sign language teacher both just kind of cocked their heads...they don't get it. My girlfriend and Becky Layman are the only people who've even responded to that statement. I just need my life to MEAN something. I can't work at a meaningless job for the rest of my life... I need to be helping people and making people happy..just so that I can fall asleep at night knowing that there is a purpose for me here on this Earth.

There has to be a reason that I'm here. It can't just be "because". I've survived so much in my lifetime, I think we all have. Just the fact that we've made it to 19 or 23 or 46 or 89 is a miracle in itself, don't you think? How many times have you been behind the wheel of a car or how many airplanes have you been on... or how many times has the riptide pulled you a little further out to sea and made you nervous. Just something that I think about sometimes. Someone asked me a question from an "If" book once that said, "If you could be informed of the day of your death and how it happens, would you want to know?" Of course I wouldn't want to know. Some people said they wanted to know because then they could live their lives to the fullest and not waste their last days doing meaningless things. But...sometimes those meaningless things are the things that matter.

Life happens and we can't stop it or slow it down, we can only improve it and improve the lives of everyone around us. That's what really matters.

I guess we all do what we have to do to find peace.