Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Somehow, by some stroke of luck, the stars aligned perfectly and everything came together at the end. I received my grades for the semester: An A+ in my internship class and a B+ in my independent study (transcribing). I have no idea how it happened, but I'm not asking questions and I'm moving on with my life!

My family is all en route to Greensboro. At the moment, my dad and his parents are going through Durham and my mom, Carlos, Kelsey, Jeff, Poppop and Sydney are somewhere in Virginia. By tonight, everyone will be here.

And tomorrow, I will graduate! Well, tomorrow is the departmental graduation and Friday is the huge commencement with the entire university. I'm more excited for the one tomorrow though, because I'll get to walk across the stage and shake all of my professors' hands.

I can't believe it's here. I can't believe I'm graduating. With the insanity that has been the last month or so, I haven't really had much time to process anything... and just this morning it hit me when I woke up. I am graduating from college. AH!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Dear Zachary

I saw an article last week online written about the documentary Dear Zachary. I'd never heard of it, and watched the trailer a few days ago. Last night I had an opportunity to watch it. If you have a netflix account, you can steam it instantly on your computer (or you can just add it to your list and have it sent to you).

I have never seen anything in the world like this documentary. Aside from the content, which is mind blowing, the film itself is made in such an amazing manner... it seriously blew me right away. I cried so hard during the movie and afterward that I woke up this morning and my eyes were still puffy and swollen. H and I joked that I needed cucumbers to bring the swelling down. It was that powerful and moving.

Please, do yourself a favor and find a way to see this amazing and heart breaking documentary. Do yourself another favor, and don't read about it too much before you see it. I'm happy that I didn't research it too much... or else I would have found out about the ending. Not knowing gave me the full (yet maddening and heart wrenching) experience throughout the whole documentary.

I would like to say though, that the Bagby Family is absolutely amazing. The pure love that they have for their son and grandson is inspiring and so admirable. There are people in this world who I strive to be like, and the Bagbys have just been added to my list. They are purely astounding.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


"It is what it is." When my mom was diagnosed, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people, but it was my cousin Meghan's words that stayed with me throughout the Fall of 2008. There was nothing I could do to control the situation, I could only control how I handled it.

When I find myself in a situation that I have little or no control over, I have to remind myself that "it is what it is". Even though I may have had more control over it at some point, even though I COULD have done something differently or SHOULD have done something differently, I didn't. I made my decisions over this semester, and I am now suffering the consequences. It is what it is. I can't go back in time and change anything. And would I even want to?

I think there were a lot of things that factored into the decisions I made early in the semester. I underwent a pretty huge (in my opinion) life change right as the semester started, one that I was not expecting in the least. It took me awhile to reteach myself how to keep my priorities straight and how to manage my time in the best, most logical way possible, while still making my heart happy. It's hard to balance your gut instincts and your brain logic. Aside from that, I am amazed at how I truly did not use any of my time management skills in the first half of this semester. What did I do everyday? I know that rugby did take up a lot of my time, but it was actually mostly because of our late practice times, which then led to me sleeping a lot later than I should have been. And because I did not have set hours for anything this semester, it made it easier for me to say, "Oh well, I'll just go in later and leave later."

I like to think that a good trait of mine is that I don't make excuses for myself. When I make mistakes, I take responsibility for them. Even if I feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's quite possibly the worst feeling ever to have to be accountable for the mistakes you've made.

But the issue still stands. I will complete my hours at my internship just fine. But I have not completed my hours for my independent study. Despite the fact that I have logged in multiple 8 hour transcribing sessions, pulled numerous all-nighters sitting at that computer typing, and gone in to work on things even when I am absolutely exhausted and relying on Red Bull and coffee to get me through... I still will not have my hours completed by the time my grade is due.

So, there are a few things that could happen.

A. I could fail the independent study and be 3 hours short of graduating. (Although I would still walk at graduation).
B. I could receive a grade of "Incomplete" and be allowed to make up the hours after graduation. (Although I would then be considered an "August 2010 graduate")
C. My teacher could give me a grade and trust that I will come in to complete the hours after graduation.
or D. I could just receive a poor grade for not completing the hours.

I guess we will know soon enough. I have until Monday to complete an impossible amount of hours. So, I will complete as much as I possibly can and then deal with whatever the outcome is. It is what it is, and I can't change it now. I can only remember this feeling and shame and guilt in the future, and remember that my actions/lack thereof will always have consequences.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Though, I hardly deserve it.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Today I successfully submitted the one and only assignment that I had the entire semester. My Internship Portfolio was due at 11:59, and I pressed the "submit" button on blackboard at exactly 11:59 on the dot. I don't know if I have ever felt more proud of myself for a school assignment. This portfolio was a reflection/exploration/load of BS at times/evidence of the work I have done all semester at my internship. There were different sections (overview of the organization I was interning at, my specific responsibilities, how I completed the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the semester, a self evaluation on how I've grown and changed over the course of my internship, plus "artifacts" or proof of all of these, which included photos, certificates of trainings, weekly reflections I wrote, scholarly articles relating to the population of interest that my organization serves, etc.) The entire written portion of the portfolio came out to 29 pages double spaced. I've never written anything so long in my entire life.

I have been stressed out beyond belief these last couple of weeks. I think I've shed tears almost every single day, and not always because I was frustrated/stressed/sad... sometimes it was a tiny thing that just set me off. But I've just been so exhausted... my sleep schedule has been ridiculous, I keep getting sick because my body is angry at me for pulling all nighters and completely thriving off of red bull and coffee all day and night. I model for an 8am class, and after an all-nighter on Tuesday night, I slept through my alarm and the class on Wednesday morning. I feel like lately I've been in a perpetual bad mood, which is unfortunate for those around me. I feel like I haven't seen and really hung out with my friends in weeks. The only real time that I've been getting to spend time with my girlfriend is at the end of the day when one of us is awake enough to drive the 50 minutes across I-40 to the other one (it's usually her), and we sleep (or stay up all night doing our own work), then wake up and return to our normally scheduled insane lives.

However, now that my portfolio is finally finished and turned in, all I have left to do for the next two weeks is complete my hours at my internship (I'm so close!) and finish up transcribing for the research team that I've been working with. I'm past the point of caring about my productivity there, because for the last week it has taken a major backseat to my internship and everything I have needed to get done in order to pass it and graduate.

Graduation is in less than two weeks. For awhile, I felt like this semester was moving too fast and that I wasn't ready to give up being a college student. But now, I am counting down the days until graduation, until I can sleep in, until I can clean my room and do my laundry that has been sitting in the basket for two weeks, until I can clean my car out, until I can welcome Sydney home because I have been so incredibly busy that I had to ask my mom to take care of her for the last month of school because I leave the house sometime between 7:30 and 9am and sometimes don't return until midnight or one or two... or three.

I can't wait to be a real person again.