Wednesday, May 5, 2010


"It is what it is." When my mom was diagnosed, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people, but it was my cousin Meghan's words that stayed with me throughout the Fall of 2008. There was nothing I could do to control the situation, I could only control how I handled it.

When I find myself in a situation that I have little or no control over, I have to remind myself that "it is what it is". Even though I may have had more control over it at some point, even though I COULD have done something differently or SHOULD have done something differently, I didn't. I made my decisions over this semester, and I am now suffering the consequences. It is what it is. I can't go back in time and change anything. And would I even want to?

I think there were a lot of things that factored into the decisions I made early in the semester. I underwent a pretty huge (in my opinion) life change right as the semester started, one that I was not expecting in the least. It took me awhile to reteach myself how to keep my priorities straight and how to manage my time in the best, most logical way possible, while still making my heart happy. It's hard to balance your gut instincts and your brain logic. Aside from that, I am amazed at how I truly did not use any of my time management skills in the first half of this semester. What did I do everyday? I know that rugby did take up a lot of my time, but it was actually mostly because of our late practice times, which then led to me sleeping a lot later than I should have been. And because I did not have set hours for anything this semester, it made it easier for me to say, "Oh well, I'll just go in later and leave later."

I like to think that a good trait of mine is that I don't make excuses for myself. When I make mistakes, I take responsibility for them. Even if I feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's quite possibly the worst feeling ever to have to be accountable for the mistakes you've made.

But the issue still stands. I will complete my hours at my internship just fine. But I have not completed my hours for my independent study. Despite the fact that I have logged in multiple 8 hour transcribing sessions, pulled numerous all-nighters sitting at that computer typing, and gone in to work on things even when I am absolutely exhausted and relying on Red Bull and coffee to get me through... I still will not have my hours completed by the time my grade is due.

So, there are a few things that could happen.

A. I could fail the independent study and be 3 hours short of graduating. (Although I would still walk at graduation).
B. I could receive a grade of "Incomplete" and be allowed to make up the hours after graduation. (Although I would then be considered an "August 2010 graduate")
C. My teacher could give me a grade and trust that I will come in to complete the hours after graduation.
or D. I could just receive a poor grade for not completing the hours.

I guess we will know soon enough. I have until Monday to complete an impossible amount of hours. So, I will complete as much as I possibly can and then deal with whatever the outcome is. It is what it is, and I can't change it now. I can only remember this feeling and shame and guilt in the future, and remember that my actions/lack thereof will always have consequences.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Though, I hardly deserve it.


Emmers said...

Hey - I know what you are feeling right now, and its a mistake that I and MANY others have made. Durning the first semester of my senior year at NAU, I failed a required class that was only offered in the fall. I could blame a million things, but mostly it was because I put the studying and the work off. Sure, I did have to have my appendix out during the last week of school, but in reality, I was doing poorly long before I got sick. So, I ended up walking, but not graduating with my class in May of 2005. There was nothing I could do but wait until the next fall to take the class again. I took the class, got a B, and got my degree. Sure, if you look closely on my diploma, it says December instead of May, 2005. But I did it. It didn't ruin my life. Its one of those things that happens when you are a student. One thing slips through the cracks, something that seems so insignificant at the time. And then when it all comes due, you're a little short, or one grade away from where you need to be. But I know you, and I know that whatever happens you'll make it work, push through and probably end up with something better than when you started. Keep your chin up girl.

Olivia said...


I have been thinking about you all day. First, I have to agree with Emmers, this is a mistake other students have made and so many others have made in other ways.

What I find so amazing about you is that you see your error, acknowledge it and are ready to do what it takes to fix it. So few people are able to do that. You are miles ahead of the game.

I am here rooting you on. It will be what it will be. But, just know that whatever "it" is, I am here for you. And once I get the Erin t-shirt, I'll be mailing you your package.

If you need a breather today, look to the sky. Erin is there for you too.