"It is what it is." When my mom was diagnosed, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people, but it was my cousin Meghan's words that stayed with me throughout the Fall of 2008. There was nothing I could do to control the situation, I could only control how I handled it.
When I find myself in a situation that I have little or no control over, I have to remind myself that "it is what it is". Even though I may have had more control over it at some point, even though I COULD have done something differently or SHOULD have done something differently, I didn't. I made my decisions over this semester, and I am now suffering the consequences. It is what it is. I can't go back in time and change anything. And would I even want to?
I think there were a lot of things that factored into the decisions I made early in the semester. I underwent a pretty huge (in my opinion) life change right as the semester started, one that I was not expecting in the least. It took me awhile to reteach myself how to keep my priorities straight and how to manage my time in the best, most logical way possible, while still making my heart happy. It's hard to balance your gut instincts and your brain logic. Aside from that, I am amazed at how I truly did not use any of my time management skills in the first half of this semester. What did I do everyday? I know that rugby did take up a lot of my time, but it was actually mostly because of our late practice times, which then led to me sleeping a lot later than I should have been. And because I did not have set hours for anything this semester, it made it easier for me to say, "Oh well, I'll just go in later and leave later."
I like to think that a good trait of mine is that I don't make excuses for myself. When I make mistakes, I take responsibility for them. Even if I feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's quite possibly the worst feeling ever to have to be accountable for the mistakes you've made.
But the issue still stands. I will complete my hours at my internship just fine. But I have not completed my hours for my independent study. Despite the fact that I have logged in multiple 8 hour transcribing sessions, pulled numerous all-nighters sitting at that computer typing, and gone in to work on things even when I am absolutely exhausted and relying on Red Bull and coffee to get me through... I still will not have my hours completed by the time my grade is due.
So, there are a few things that could happen.
A. I could fail the independent study and be 3 hours short of graduating. (Although I would still walk at graduation).
B. I could receive a grade of "Incomplete" and be allowed to make up the hours after graduation. (Although I would then be considered an "August 2010 graduate")
C. My teacher could give me a grade and trust that I will come in to complete the hours after graduation.
or D. I could just receive a poor grade for not completing the hours.
I guess we will know soon enough. I have until Monday to complete an impossible amount of hours. So, I will complete as much as I possibly can and then deal with whatever the outcome is. It is what it is, and I can't change it now. I can only remember this feeling and shame and guilt in the future, and remember that my actions/lack thereof will always have consequences.
Keep your fingers crossed for me. Though, I hardly deserve it.