Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sanity Schedule
Everything that is standing between me and the end of my semester (I can't find my planner so this is more for my reference!!)
Work 8-10:50
Class 11-1
Babysitting 2-4:30
Thurs (3rd):
CTC Meeting at 11am
Lit Review Meeting at 2:30
Stat exam at 3:30
Class 5-6:15
Friday (4th):
Class 12-1
Babysit 2:30-3:30
Monday (7th):
Work 8-10:50
Class 11-1
Final Draft of Research Paper due
Undergrad Research Meeting at 1
Tuesday (8th)- Reading Day:
Stat Final Exam Review 9-11
Sports Psych Meeting 1:30-2:30
Internship Orientation 3-5
Rugby Banquet at 6 (?)
Wednesday (9th):
Stat exam 8-11am
Due Before End of Finals:
Final Portfolio (due by Dec. 15, 5pm)
African Politics Take Home Final (due by Dec 15, 5pm)
The last two things on the list will hopefully be turned in by the 10th - I plan on getting them done EARLY so that they're not holding me back!!
Any good idea for good 20 minute or so stress relievers? I need to find a way to let my brain zone out when I am taking a break from studying/meetings/craziness... and my brain is getting tired of surfing the web!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
302

Even though this photo is blurry and was taken on a phone, it's one of my favorites from being home last week! (Well, I actually haven't gone through and uploaded the photos from my camera yet... I'll get to that when I find the energy!) If you can't tell, we're holding up the numbers "3-0-2" for Delaware. I love these two so much, and it was so good to see them!
Every time I go home I am reminded of how much I love where I spent the first 18 years of my life. I love the northeast. I miss the northeast desperately. I am happy in Greensboro, don't get me wrong. Some of my best friends live here, and some of the best times of my life have been had here. But a piece of me will always be longing for the "Leaders Zone" as I like to call it (Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey). When I'm driving home, my heart feels like it's going to explode when I am on I-95 crossing over into Delaware - the same feeling I get when the plane begins it's descent into Philadelphia when I fly home.
I hate leaving... I always, always, always get teary-eyed leaving.
I've been making a lot of big decisions lately. I graduate in 6 months, and my lease is up in 7 months. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I really think that moving back to DE/MD/NJ might be in my future plans. I miss it, I miss it, I miss it. I miss my extended family - I feel like my grandparents are only getting older (which they are) and I feel like my little cousins, each of whom I've held when they were just days old, are becoming so grown up. I love them so much and I really want to be a part of their lives, and I want them to remember me. Right now they are 7, 5, and 3... and I hate leaving them! I want to be a positive role model in their lives forever, I want them to always know how much I love them, and I want to spend more time with them - mainly doing fun things! I've been wanting to take them to the Please Touch Museum in Philly for years... they would love it.
Thanksgiving was great - too much to write about, but the week was awesome. Haley had a great time meeting everyone and seeing everything. We took her into Philly, where she got to see the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, South Street, etc. She got to try a real cheesesteak... and she got to try scrapple and raw oysters (a huge Thanksgiving tradition for my family). I just wish I could have shown her more - she's never been to NYC, Baltimore, or D.C. - places I grew up going to on field trips and family trips... I would also love to show her more of Chestertown - in the summer though, so we could go out on the river. Plus, Rehoboth and Dewey... I may force her to come to DE next summer to visit...haha.
Things are going to be absolutely insane for the next two weeks, but I'm thinking I can handle it. For now, my to-do list is done and I'm taking it task by task. My last final is on Dec. 9th... but the days are going to be long, busy, and stressful until then. But, it will be so worth it! This is officially my last semester of classes. So... no more studying, exams, research papers, etc. Next semester will be my internship and my undergraduate research opportunity. Woo hooo!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Ready
Leaving for home in a few hours... should be a fun car ride with Haley and Sydney and good music and snacks. It's going to be a busy week - tomorrow we have to bake like eight pies (and a cobbler, on my insistence) and lunch with the girls... Thursday will be THREE Thanksgiving dinners (gotta love that). I'm just ready to be there and leave everything behind me for now.
So, Happy Thanksgiving to you all- and thanks for all of the kindness lately.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Have you ever felt like you're drowning, but you're not anywhere near the water? I feel like there's no air here, nothing for me to breath in to effectively to get oxygen to my brain. I try to reach out and grab something, anything, to pull me back up but all that is solid just crumbles. Everything that's solid always disintegrates, that's how it's always been and how it will always be. Terror is beginning to take over my entire body, I can feel it in my fingers and toes. My body aches from treading, it begs me to just let go and drift. People around me are unstable, untrustworthy, un- everything else. My heart is panicking, racing so fast and something other than adrenaline is coursing through my veins. It's fear. And I don't know what to do.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
U-N-C-G G G G G G


Last night was UNCG's first basketball game of the season against Clemson. We lost the game but had a great time at the tailgate, watching the band and the step team (they were amazing!!) and afterwards we headed back to the guys house and hung around for awhile. I didn't stay late because I had to get up early this morning for a charity kickball tournament (we came in 4th... out of 5 teams haha).
The rest of this weekend is going to consist of A LOT of schoolwork... but every minute that passes puts me closer to being HOME! I can't wait until Tuesday.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
4 years.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Mommom
I am so lucky. I am one of the only people my age that I know who has all four grandparents still alive. Although I didn't grow up in the same town as my grandparents, both sets have always lived about 3 minutes away from each other, and a little over an hour from where I grew up. I was able to see them often - weekends, holidays, weeks in the summer, etc. They were able to come to birthday parties, graduations, weekend visits... some of my very fondest childhood memories involve my grandparents. As I got older, I was able to realize how to appreciate them each in their own way. They are four separate people, with different qualities and quirks. But they do share one common trait - they all love me... a LOT. I'm lucky for that, too.
My Mommom B. (pictured above, with me at Meghan's wedding rehearsal dinner) has always been someone I've looked at with admiration. We all grew up listening to her stories (so often, in fact, that now I could recite a few), eating her cooking (even Shadow Surprise), playing games with her (her favorite is Yahtzee), listening to her recite poems, sing old songs, and recount memories of The Great Depression. But, what I have always loved about my grandmother is that she has always just "known" some things about me (and I am sure her other grandchildren feel similarly). Now that I'm older, we end up having serious discussions and I find myself telling her things I'd never pictured myself telling someone so old. For the last few years, I usually call my Mommom about once a month just to chat. She always answers, and she is always excited to hear from me. Over the course of our usual 15 minute call, she thanks me throughout for calling. And that's what always makes me call the next time.
Our last few phone calls have been mostly talks of her coming down for my graduation in May. I honestly hadn't been so sure that she could have made the trip because I knew she'd been having some heart problems, and she's just getting pretty old (84, I think?) But after talking to my mom, who told me that my grandmother had made it clear to her that she had every intention of coming, I started to consider the fact that maybe she would make it down. For some reason, of all of my grandparents, my Mommom B. has been like a personal cheerleader when it has come to college. Perhaps it's because she is living somewhat vicariously through my academic accomplishments (and those of all of her grandchildren), since she never got to go to nursing school- something she has dreamed about her entire life. So, having her here would have been extremely special. I can even see the look on her face...
Unfortunately, Mommom just received some pretty bad news. I don't know the specific details... just that she is now in congestive heart failure. The way I'm understanding it, one of the valves in her heart is hardly working at all now. The doctors are unable to do surgery to fix the valve, because there is too much risk involve and she wouldn't make it out of surgery. So, what will happen is that the other valves in her heart will continue to work overtime to pump blood throughout her body. Those valves are going to overwork themselves and eventually become tired - too tired to work at all. It will get harder and harder for her heart to circulate blood to the rest of her body. And then, her heart will cease to pump at all.
Of course, upon hearing this, she claimed that she was going to "outsmart these doctors and live to be 100". She "shooed" the doctor who told her that she had probably 6 months to a year to live). If you'd ever met my grandmother, this statement wouldn't surprise you at all. She's outfoxed many illnesses and prognoses: cancer twice, emphysema, etc. I'm happy to report that she has decided to enjoy living the rest of her life. I expect nothing less of her. She is truly the rock of our family, and holds us together tighter than any glue or bond ever could. Our family has seen more than its fair share of trials and struggles, and while she has been ever present during those, she has also given us a huge gift. She has hugged each of us before we have left her house. She has answered each phone call with "Hey baby!" She has given everyone little pieces of herself and her life, whether it be a crocheted afghan, a camera from the 40s, the recipe for "muddin muddin", or a wise piece of advice that we may not have realized the value of until much later.
I cherish these gifts, and I look forward to spending as much time with Mommom as I can in the future. She has lived a truly exceptional life, and will continue to do so for as long as she wants. I love her more today than I ever have before.
Monday, November 16, 2009
11/16
I received some pretty devastating news today...
So many things are running through my head. Guilt at being away for so long, anger at myself and the situation, but mostly just sadness. Pure, heavy sadness of something I've never fully experienced before. I've felt a lot of emotions lately, but sadness, just plain sadness, hasn't really been one of them.
On top of that, expect a post on Thursday. 4 years, really?
In 7 days I'll be home, where I belong right now.
Thanksgiving
I found some long-lost photos on my SD card that I'd completely forgotten about from earlier this summer. I love this one of my little cousin Jack, he's such a happy and cute kid. I wish so much that I could live closer to him and his sisters. I love those kids so much.
I'm so ready to go home for Thanksgiving. Today while I was modeling, I ran out of things to think about (seriously...imagine what goes on in the head of a figure model who sits or stands for 3 hours and has to come up with things to think about...the result? I think I end up OVERthinking wayyy too many things in my life!) Anyway, around hour 2, I started thinking about Thanksgiving and who I want to see and how I want this all to play out... if I play my cards right, I'll be able to see everyone I want to see and get to do all of the things I want to do. I'm bringing home my friend Haley because she's from Minnesota and isn't flying home for Thanksgiving. She's not going to know what hit her... when I go home, it's a whirlwind of constant motion, always something to do or someone to see, I try so hard to fit it all in. There's 3 people who it is completely and absolutely necessary that I see (aside from my family) so as long as I fit that in, I'll be happy!!
I'm just ready for a break, ready to see my family, see my friends who I miss so much, and eat some good food and not have to think about schoolwork for a little while.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Work
Sometimes I just want to pack a duffel bag, grab my pillow and Sydney's bed, and leave all of my stuff behind, leave all of my stress behind, and drive to Vermont, find a tree house cabin, and live there forever.
Because is all of this really worth it? Do I need academic or professional success in order to be fulfilled?
Or is the success of interpersonal relationships enough? Is friendship success enough? Trust? Empathy? Love?
I don't want my life to be defined by work.
And I'm starting to go a little crazy.
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