Wednesday, December 27, 2006

"I'm a big girl now...remember?"

Yesterday Kels and I woke up and drove home from Maryland, where we spent Christmas with my dad's family. As we were driving, Mrs. Kane called and wanted us to go see a movie with their whole family (all of the grandparents included!) So, we drove straight over to Granite Run mall, where we saw The Nativity was interesting, actually. It was excellently made. After the movie, Kels had to go somewhere but I said I'd babysit, so we all went back to the Kanes and they got ready to go out. And then the fun began...

I'll be able to post more pictures soon... Alli and I had A LOT of fun that night haha. My computer power cord / AC adapter broke the other night, so I can't charge my laptop until the new one comes in... and the other pictures are on that computer. Some quotes from the night include, "I have a very cute heiny, did you know that??" and when I tucked Alli in and gave her a kiss, she said, "I love you to the sky, to the moon, to Liam, and back." ...

My Christmas was great... lots of food, family, etc. Nothing too exciting, except for what happened on Christmas day. I really just didn't plan on my dad finding out like that... whoops. I saw Matt Layman last night too, it was good to see him. It's so weird that I've only seen him twice in the past year...but it was good to see him.

Tonight Laura and I are driving up to Chatham, to Em's house, and in the morning, Meredith, Mariah, Elise, and Colleen are riding up to meet us, and then we're all going into the should be fun :D

Time to take the Syd out. Peace all around-
Love everywhere,

Sunday, December 24, 2006

So this is Christmas...

Liam's last real Christmas- December 25th, 2004.

Today we celebrated Christmas at my house, because my mom has to work tomorrow. So we woke up just like it was Christmas morning -- "Santa" hid the pickle in the tree, I FOUND THE PICKLE (I never find it!) So I got to open the first present... our stockings were stuffed with cool stuff, and Sydney loved all of her new toys - I'll post pictures later :)

It was a great day, and we went to church in the evening. I didn't really think anything of it, but I realized on the way there that I hadn't been inside of St. Davids since the day of Liam's funeral, in November 2005. Upon realizing this, I started to get a little nervous...and when we walked in, the only seats in the room were in the front row. Before the service started I looked around. People were missing... Mr. Brennesholtz passed away a few months ago. Our usual pastor has retired, and we have a new one - (a woman!) At one point in my life, I have babysat for almost every single child who attends that church...and they all look SO old, and SO grown up. Some of them are babysitters now themselves. As the service was starting, I laid my eyes upon the most beautiful family that I have ever and will ever know - The Kanes. When Mr. and Mrs. Kane saw us, they actually left their row and came over to hug Kelsey and I! It was so good to see them, it made me so happy. Alli looks so beautiful. She is the stunning image of Liam, it almost hurts your heart to look at her chubby cheeks.

And so we sat down, and that's when I felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. During the children's pageant (which, by the way, was the way that I met Liam...he was a cow and Alli was a sheep, back at ages 2 and like 8 months) I held back tears, during every single song and passage I was biting my lip, staring at the ceiling of our church, trying my best to keep from ruining my makeup. But when it was time for communion, and I watched the Kane family of 3 (4?) walk up and kneel, without Liam.. I just lost it. The tears that had been welling up for half an hour just spilled and plinked all over my sweater and my jeans. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I snuck out the back and gave myself a few minutes to cry, I checked in the mirror in the bathroom and of course I looked like a whore caught in the rain ... really, why did I put on mascara?!? I tried my best to look normal and went back for the rest of the service. We sang Christmas carols, we said the Peace, and before I knew it, the service was over and I was making plans with Mrs. Kane to hang out with Alli on Tuesday (I think we're going to go see a movie). Alli was holding Lamby...which is a beanie baby Lamb that was Liam's favorite thing to hold. It's so dirty, I don't think the Kanes have ever washed it...I wouldn't either. Here's a good shot of Liam with Lamby -- this picture was taken soon after he relapsed, in April 05.

I love that family with my entire heart. My tears have pretty much dried up...sometimes you feel better after just crying it all out, and then writing it all out. Now I'm ready to go help my mom cook dinner and get ready for tomorrow. We're heading to Maryland to spend the day with my dad and his side of the family. Always an interesting experience...
I wish everyone a Merry Christmas- be safe, and have fun.
Love everywhere,

Friday, December 22, 2006

All I want for Christmas...

Christmas Tree '06 .. the picture is a little blurry, but our tree is just like the one we get every year. Sort of pear shaped, very fat, and perfect - in my opinion :)

Me and the Syd...She was waiting patiently for a treat.
So... the holidays are officially here, now that we A. have a tree, B. have seen every Christmas light display in North Wilmington (including the Top of the Hill house), and C. are pretty much finished with Christmas shopping. Oh, also I've watched A Christmas Story TWICE. haha. Happy last night of Hannukah to you Jews out there, by the way.

A friend of mine did something really incredibly nice for me the other night - she caught me really off guard and just did something she didn't have to do. I was shocked, and I've been trying to figure out how to do something nice for her in return, but I also love the idea of Pay it Forward, so I've been holding a whole lot of doors for people and smiling at a lot of strangers!!

My mom is working on Christmas Day this year, so we are celebrating Christmas on Sunday- Christmas Eve. We'll wake up just like it's Christmas and everything, it will be fun. I'm super excited for my mom to open up her present...Em and I searched forever to find her the perfect thing that I wanted to get her. I hope she likes it. Speaking of presents...I'm finally done buying what I wanted to get Em for Christmas. Now I just need to do a little work on it... ;-D
I got an invitation today to the annual Family Christmas Party (aka, the BHS Varsity Field Hockey team of the 2004/2005 school year) My senior year of high school, our hockey team became extremely close... I don't know if it was because of our trip to the Hamptons in NY, or if it had to do with the extremely sad death of the father of one of our teammates... or maybe just because we were all so similar (and very different sometimes). But man..we had some fun times. This is the picture from our Family Reunion last Christmas - I'm in a pinkish sweater on the right. (That was also the outfit that I wore to Liam's viewing... I can't look at that sweather without thinking about it, and the viewing and this party were the only times I ever wore those white pants.) ... I just remembered that this picture is missing a person - Nina Julian, who refused to be in it because she said she didn't look good enough to be in a picture.. I think she's hiding behind us.
I thought about visiting Liam while I'm home...maybe on Christmas Day- since I won't have much else to do. I'm a little nervous though.. I went with Em during Thanksgiving Break- it's just so odd. There's no headstone, no anything. I know that it's what the Kanes wanted... and I understand, when your child of five years dies, who cares about gravestones or markers? I wouldn't be able to look at it, and see the dates. Thinking about Liam's dates makes me physically ill, so I try not to. Either way, I respect the Kanes decision, but it just makes the place where Liam is buried a little bit surreal. I kind of feel like he's not really under that dirt, that it's a joke. And he'll pop out from behind the bushes and giggle. It's kind of I'm still waiting for the website to have an update from Mr. Kane claiming that this has all been a sick joke, and that Liam has been hiding under his bed..
Time to get wrapping - we're having Christmas with my mom's side of the family in Chestertown today. It should be fun - I haven't seen Coulby (4) and Emma (2) since August - and there's Baby Jack who I haven't even met yet! Yesterday my mom and I went to Michaels... I guess since there's a new baby, my cousin Sherri was having trouble getting both Coulby and Emma off to school, and since Sherri is staying at home now, she can let Emma stay home too, since she's only two and doesn't HAVE to go to daycare/preschool whatever. But Emma is really sad...she told my mom, "Coulby gets to go to school and I have to stay home with mommy and Baby Jack. I miss my friends and I miss the things I make." I guess she used to make lots of crafts and stuff where ever she went. So my mom, who has the softest heart of anyone I know haha, took me to Michaels and we picked out A TON of crafts for her to do. And it's hard to figure out crafts for a two year old (almost three..) to do. It's so cute, and I'm stoked b/c we bought all these suncatchers and suncatcher paint, for us to work on today with the girls! So cute, I LOVE hanging out with them.
I'm off...
Love Everywhere,

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Happy Resilience Day!

A PostSecret, November '05

December 20th, 2006. Happy THIRD Resilience Day!! For those of you who didn’t read my livejournal, Resilience Day is just a day to celebrate… to celebrate LIFE and LOVE and how easy (and hard) it can be for us to bounce back after things happen in life. Things we can control and things we can’t. Either way, it’s a day to celebrate whatever you need to celebrate. And I have A TON to celebrate about at this point in my life!!

Things get easier everyday. Sometimes I still sting. Not when I have bad dreams, that’s different. But everyday, during the ins and outs of my life…for the most part, I am very healed. But sometimes it’s hard to believe I’ll ever fully heal.

There is a fundraiser that I’ve been checking out for about a year or so. It’s called Operation Freefall – check it out at There’s a drop zone in North Carolina (coincidentally, it’s closest to Wilmington, on the coast…)

So, today…spend the day celebrating whatever you WANT. I’ll be celebrating about the fact that I have enough money to buy all of the people I love presents, the fact that Sydney is SO CUTE when she chases around Simba the cat, and I’ll DEFINITELY be celebrating the fact that I am alive, healthy, and healing.

Love everywhere,

hip hip HOORAY

Sunday, December 10, 2006

We were striking matches just to watch 'em burn..

:) I like this bumper sticker A LOT.

September 19, 2006- Turner's birthday as well as the day that Christi Thomas earned her angel wings. ( I'd check out that site, it's sooo worth it. The Thomas Team (a sort of famous family in the NB world) met the Kanes at the NB conference in Chicago in 2004, and Liam is a member of Christi's Clubhouse (the section on her website where other NB kids are linked.) Christi was friends with and went through treatment with Alex Scott who is the founder of Alex's Lemonade Stand. Now, Liam, Alex, and Christi are all together playing :)

The two pictures above the one of Em and I are ones that I took in Burlington, Vermont when I visited Rachel and Meag last spring break. The graffiti on the walls brought tears to my eyes!! I have so many more pictures, I'll post them sometime. The top picture is my favorite one, it's so was the background of my computer for a long time. I love trees...and trees that transform into things.

Em and I tied a red bow on Sydney and she looks like a Christmas puppy. I wish I could find my camera to take a picture!! We're leaving in a few minutes to drive home, I just wanted to get one more post in before I got home... I know it's been a few days since I had a good post, but I had all of my finals on Thursday and Friday, Christmas parties on Thursday and Saturday night, and I babysat all afternoon on Saturday! So it's been a busy few days.

And now we're off to Delaware for a few days, then New Jersey for a few days, and then VERMONT for a few days at Kim's cabin in the woods haha. And then back to DE for a quiet Christmas with my beautiful mother. She's actually working on Christmas day, so we're celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve - and then Christmas day we're spending with my dad and his family.

Note to self: make your next post about the present Suzi and Elliott gave you.

Love everywhere,

Wednesday, December 6, 2006


I just wrote a very long paragraph about trust, but I think this picture pretty much says it all for me right now.


Tuesday, December 5, 2006


The Bay Bridge, Oct. '06

This picture was taken in October of this year, when I went home for fall break... 11 months after Liam's death. Alli Kane is now four years old, and she has Liam's eyes, his nose, his chubby cheeks and his beautiful spirit.

I love this picture. Elise and I at Live8, July '05

I am so happy that I was able to go to Live8. I mean, one concert in the US, and it happened to be twenty minutes from my house!! Elise and I decided that we wanted to go, whether any of our parents were going (we were graduated man, we could do anything we wanted!!!!) ... but, as it turned out, my mom and sister wanted to go as well - so the four of us drove to the train station in Media, PA and then took the Trolley to the first stop on the El. And then we rode the train into the city, it was SO MUCH FUN. There was so many kids, all with camelbacks full of beer and everyone ready for an amazing concert with an awesome message -- even though I am not naive enough to believe that every single person who attended Live8 was there because they wanted to help the crisis in Africa ;) I'll never forget what the Ben Franklin Parkway looked like - it was insanity!! There were over a million people!! I've never been to a bigger event.

Short post tonight, Em is getting sleepy so we're going to get some sleep for tomorrow.
Love everywhere.

PS. The random pictures are because I'm on Em's computer, and she doesn't have many saved, so I went onto my photobucket site and pulled up a few...