So this is Christmas...

Liam's last real Christmas- December 25th, 2004.

Today we celebrated Christmas at my house, because my mom has to work tomorrow. So we woke up just like it was Christmas morning -- "Santa" hid the pickle in the tree, I FOUND THE PICKLE (I never find it!) So I got to open the first present... our stockings were stuffed with cool stuff, and Sydney loved all of her new toys - I'll post pictures later :)

It was a great day, and we went to church in the evening. I didn't really think anything of it, but I realized on the way there that I hadn't been inside of St. Davids since the day of Liam's funeral, in November 2005. Upon realizing this, I started to get a little nervous...and when we walked in, the only seats in the room were in the front row. Before the service started I looked around. People were missing... Mr. Brennesholtz passed away a few months ago. Our usual pastor has retired, and we have a new one - (a woman!) At one point in my life, I have babysat for almost every single child who attends that church...and they all look SO old, and SO grown up. Some of them are babysitters now themselves. As the service was starting, I laid my eyes upon the most beautiful family that I have ever and will ever know - The Kanes. When Mr. and Mrs. Kane saw us, they actually left their row and came over to hug Kelsey and I! It was so good to see them, it made me so happy. Alli looks so beautiful. She is the stunning image of Liam, it almost hurts your heart to look at her chubby cheeks.

And so we sat down, and that's when I felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. During the children's pageant (which, by the way, was the way that I met Liam...he was a cow and Alli was a sheep, back at ages 2 and like 8 months) I held back tears, during every single song and passage I was biting my lip, staring at the ceiling of our church, trying my best to keep from ruining my makeup. But when it was time for communion, and I watched the Kane family of 3 (4?) walk up and kneel, without Liam.. I just lost it. The tears that had been welling up for half an hour just spilled and plinked all over my sweater and my jeans. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I snuck out the back and gave myself a few minutes to cry, I checked in the mirror in the bathroom and of course I looked like a whore caught in the rain ... really, why did I put on mascara?!? I tried my best to look normal and went back for the rest of the service. We sang Christmas carols, we said the Peace, and before I knew it, the service was over and I was making plans with Mrs. Kane to hang out with Alli on Tuesday (I think we're going to go see a movie). Alli was holding Lamby...which is a beanie baby Lamb that was Liam's favorite thing to hold. It's so dirty, I don't think the Kanes have ever washed it...I wouldn't either. Here's a good shot of Liam with Lamby -- this picture was taken soon after he relapsed, in April 05.

I love that family with my entire heart. My tears have pretty much dried up...sometimes you feel better after just crying it all out, and then writing it all out. Now I'm ready to go help my mom cook dinner and get ready for tomorrow. We're heading to Maryland to spend the day with my dad and his side of the family. Always an interesting experience...

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas- be safe, and have fun.

Love everywhere,

Kristen.