Sunday, November 19, 2006

Let your love cover me like a pair of angel wings

Some of my favorites...

Liam and Alli in the bathtub...pre-Neuroblastoma

Liam shortly after diagnosis...April 2004

Liam a week after relapse. This picture was taken on my 18th birthday-- 4/17/05

Well, here it is...November 19, 2006. I've wondered what this day would feel like. I've experienced anniversaries of bad things before, but this one is a little bit different. It feels very surreal. 7 minutes ago, it was exactly one year since my mom called me and said the words, "Today is the day that Liam died." I was in the Caf with Sara and our friend Nikki... I got up from the table, ran downstairs and outside and ran around in circles, I didn't know where to go or what to do, I wanted to shatter my phone on the ground.. I wanted my mom to take back what she said. But I hung up on her and sank into the cement steps next to the fountain outside of my dorm.

I wish I could say that I have so far spent this day remembering Liam during the happy days, the pain-free days... but it's so hard. All I can think about is how much horrible pain he was in, how badly his body hurt. "Mommy, I feel like my head is going to crack..." He said those words three weeks before he passed away. He was in pain for so long... it hurts so bad so think about. I seriously feel physical pain just thinking about it.

Dear Liam James Kane,

First of all, thanks for helping me yesterday- you probably saved my life. A million thank yous...and hugs and kisses. I miss you so much today, little man. All I can hear is your little voice ringing in my ears and it hurts so badly to know that I will never hear that voice again. I sent you balloons when everyone else did a few weeks ago, mine were just a little south than the big bunch that everyone else sent up! I hope you got my message. You did, I know you did. You get all of my messages. I can't believe it really has been one whole year since you've been gone. I think about you each and every day, and you are always with me when I'm making decisions and when I'm spreading love. I have so much more to say but you know it all anyway. I love you and I miss you, and I'm sending you an "I Love You" sign language hand, because that was always so special to me.

Love Always,


One of the last pictures taken of Liam ... 11/12/05

I was going to end the post here, but that picture isn't how I want to end this...


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