Recently, something happened that I've spent a lot of time thinking about. And it's made me question some things about myself and the way I think about myself.
In short, some pretty awful things were said about me and I accidentally came across those words. Most of them were ridiculous, almost funny judgements because they were untrue. If I could explain the circumstances, it might be easier to understand. However, there was one sentence that was said and that, combined with something that happened at PACAA, has left me feeling pretty down about myself.
"Aside from not being very pretty...."
Those words stung to read. I know that I'm not beautiful, or even pretty. I know there are things about the way I look that are not ideal and although it may sound vain, if I were given the power, of course I would change them. But I can't.
At PACAA I was waiting in one of the lines in the dining hall. Two guys who were with another camp at K-town were standing behind me in line and made a horrible, nasty comment about me. I don't think they meant for me to hear it, but that also stung so hard for some reason. I lost my appetite, left the line and returned to the dorm.
I find it frustrating to be someone who truly finds some sort of beauty in almost every person, living thing, and non-living thing... and have people be judgemental about the way I look. Shouldn't karma be kicking in at some point? I don't care if people think I'm not pretty, but I don't want to hear it with my own ears.
So, how do I ignore that and still stand looking into a mirror? Because right now I can't look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I don't want anyone looking at me at all. Which I know is silly, and I've taken enough psych and human development classes to give me knowledge to be able to combat these ridiculous feelings. But still, the self-image part of my brain is winning over the knowledge part of my brain.
And it still hurts to remember those words. And I don't know how to get past it.
5 comments:
Kristen, I just read this and the only thing I could think is that I wish so much I was there with you right now to give you a big, big hug.
You are absolutely beautiful and I am NOT just saying that to make you feel better. You are beautiful inside and out. (You've also totally inspired me to get more fit and toned!)
I am so sorry that you had to hear those horrible words. Know they are not true. At. All.
Sending many, many hugs to you!
Olivia
I always thought you were really pretty. Especially your eyes and your hair. Ignore those dumb boys.
I just wanted to tell you that there is a picture of you that Dan just uploaded on Facebook in which you look STUNNING. You know I think you're beautiful (this goes beyond any history we had or anything of that matter) both inside and out, and this picture re-enforces that fact.
You're absolutely gorgeous inside and out. I miss you.
i don't know how to tell you this in a way that you'll believe me... but i think you are absolutely gorgeous in every way possible. people too often worry about small, insignificant things... when you look at the mirror, look at the whole picture. your eyes, face, lips, neck - look at your entire self, and maybe you'll see the beauty that others see in you.
i want to punch those boys in the face for whatever they said.
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