Dear Diary

I recently rediscovered one of my childhood diaries.  It was a diary I received for Christmas in 5th grade, so I was 10 when I began writing in this one.  I keep going back to re-read some of the pages, because I can't believe what I was writing at such a young age.  I often wrote about trivial things, such as the happenings at the house next door (my neighbor cleaning his pool...how exciting), arguments I had gotten in with my friends, birthday parties, etc.  But there are a few entries that just pull at my heart.  

February 6, 1998

Mommy and Daddy are always fighting and ignoring each other (I drew a sad face after that sentence).  I want them to get separated but at the same time I like living in one house.  I don't like to see them cry.  I don't like when my Dad yells at me.  I don't know what to think.  I am confused.  Talk to ya later.  Kristen

There was also a time when I was younger when I fully embraced my religion - I enjoyed going to church and Sunday School and learning about the Bible.  Even though I am no longer religious, as a kid, it was easy and something for me to cling to.  In one entry in this diary, I copied a verse from the Book of Matthew (something about "What God has joined together, let no one separate.  etc)  After the verse, I put an arrow and the words "My parents must not be too religious".  

Lastly, this entry, which I wrote at age 14:

4/21/01

Dear Journal,

My dad is moving out and I hope we can stay in our house!  I love this house and I do not want to leave it.  I like my back porch and my back yard the best.  I don't know why my Mom and Dad can't just make up.  Everyone keeps saying that things will be better once my Dad moves, but I don't see how it will be better if me and Kelsey have to go see him somewhere else and leave my mom all alone.  The best solution = them staying together!  They should not get a divorce!  Okay, I have to go help clean the bathroom.  See ya later.  Kristen."

There are other entries that make me tear up a little as well, but I'll leave those for another time.  

Of course, at age 22, I now fully commend my mother and understand why she left my dad, but even to this day, I daydream about what my life would be like had they never gotten a divorce.  

I was telling a friend of mine the other day about this video camera I bought when I was 14.  I saved up money for months and finally had enough to buy it.  I bought it about a month before my parents divorced and we moved to a new neighborhood.  One of the first things I did with my new video camera was walk through every inch of the house we were living in, documenting each room, each hanging picture, each piece of furniture.  My commentary is kind of depressing, because I say which piece of furniture is going with which parent... but I love to watch that video, it brings back so many memories - good and bad - and I am thankful for it all.