Done!

Somehow, by some stroke of luck, the stars aligned perfectly and everything came together at the end. I received my grades for the semester: An A+ in my internship class and a B+ in my independent study (transcribing). I have no idea how it happened, but I'm not asking questions and I'm moving on with my life!

My family is all en route to Greensboro. At the moment, my dad and his parents are going through Durham and my mom, Carlos, Kelsey, Jeff, Poppop and Sydney are somewhere in Virginia. By tonight, everyone will be here.

And tomorrow, I will graduate! Well, tomorrow is the departmental graduation and Friday is the huge commencement with the entire university. I'm more excited for the one tomorrow though, because I'll get to walk across the stage and shake all of my professors' hands.

I can't believe it's here. I can't believe I'm graduating. With the insanity that has been the last month or so, I haven't really had much time to process anything... and just this morning it hit me when I woke up. I am graduating from college. AH!

Dear Zachary

I saw an article last week online written about the documentary Dear Zachary. I'd never heard of it, and watched the trailer a few days ago. Last night I had an opportunity to watch it. If you have a netflix account, you can steam it instantly on your computer (or you can just add it to your list and have it sent to you).

I have never seen anything in the world like this documentary. Aside from the content, which is mind blowing, the film itself is made in such an amazing manner... it seriously blew me right away. I cried so hard during the movie and afterward that I woke up this morning and my eyes were still puffy and swollen. H and I joked that I needed cucumbers to bring the swelling down. It was that powerful and moving.

Please, do yourself a favor and find a way to see this amazing and heart breaking documentary. Do yourself another favor, and don't read about it too much before you see it. I'm happy that I didn't research it too much... or else I would have found out about the ending. Not knowing gave me the full (yet maddening and heart wrenching) experience throughout the whole documentary.

I would like to say though, that the Bagby Family is absolutely amazing. The pure love that they have for their son and grandson is inspiring and so admirable. There are people in this world who I strive to be like, and the Bagbys have just been added to my list. They are purely astounding.

Mess.

"It is what it is." When my mom was diagnosed, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people, but it was my cousin Meghan's words that stayed with me throughout the Fall of 2008. There was nothing I could do to control the situation, I could only control how I handled it.

When I find myself in a situation that I have little or no control over, I have to remind myself that "it is what it is". Even though I may have had more control over it at some point, even though I COULD have done something differently or SHOULD have done something differently, I didn't. I made my decisions over this semester, and I am now suffering the consequences. It is what it is. I can't go back in time and change anything. And would I even want to?

I think there were a lot of things that factored into the decisions I made early in the semester. I underwent a pretty huge (in my opinion) life change right as the semester started, one that I was not expecting in the least. It took me awhile to reteach myself how to keep my priorities straight and how to manage my time in the best, most logical way possible, while still making my heart happy. It's hard to balance your gut instincts and your brain logic. Aside from that, I am amazed at how I truly did not use any of my time management skills in the first half of this semester. What did I do everyday? I know that rugby did take up a lot of my time, but it was actually mostly because of our late practice times, which then led to me sleeping a lot later than I should have been. And because I did not have set hours for anything this semester, it made it easier for me to say, "Oh well, I'll just go in later and leave later."

I like to think that a good trait of mine is that I don't make excuses for myself. When I make mistakes, I take responsibility for them. Even if I feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's quite possibly the worst feeling ever to have to be accountable for the mistakes you've made.

But the issue still stands. I will complete my hours at my internship just fine. But I have not completed my hours for my independent study. Despite the fact that I have logged in multiple 8 hour transcribing sessions, pulled numerous all-nighters sitting at that computer typing, and gone in to work on things even when I am absolutely exhausted and relying on Red Bull and coffee to get me through... I still will not have my hours completed by the time my grade is due.

So, there are a few things that could happen.

A. I could fail the independent study and be 3 hours short of graduating. (Although I would still walk at graduation).
B. I could receive a grade of "Incomplete" and be allowed to make up the hours after graduation. (Although I would then be considered an "August 2010 graduate")
C. My teacher could give me a grade and trust that I will come in to complete the hours after graduation.
or D. I could just receive a poor grade for not completing the hours.

I guess we will know soon enough. I have until Monday to complete an impossible amount of hours. So, I will complete as much as I possibly can and then deal with whatever the outcome is. It is what it is, and I can't change it now. I can only remember this feeling and shame and guilt in the future, and remember that my actions/lack thereof will always have consequences.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Though, I hardly deserve it.

Accomplished.

Today I successfully submitted the one and only assignment that I had the entire semester. My Internship Portfolio was due at 11:59, and I pressed the "submit" button on blackboard at exactly 11:59 on the dot. I don't know if I have ever felt more proud of myself for a school assignment. This portfolio was a reflection/exploration/load of BS at times/evidence of the work I have done all semester at my internship. There were different sections (overview of the organization I was interning at, my specific responsibilities, how I completed the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the semester, a self evaluation on how I've grown and changed over the course of my internship, plus "artifacts" or proof of all of these, which included photos, certificates of trainings, weekly reflections I wrote, scholarly articles relating to the population of interest that my organization serves, etc.) The entire written portion of the portfolio came out to 29 pages double spaced. I've never written anything so long in my entire life.

I have been stressed out beyond belief these last couple of weeks. I think I've shed tears almost every single day, and not always because I was frustrated/stressed/sad... sometimes it was a tiny thing that just set me off. But I've just been so exhausted... my sleep schedule has been ridiculous, I keep getting sick because my body is angry at me for pulling all nighters and completely thriving off of red bull and coffee all day and night. I model for an 8am class, and after an all-nighter on Tuesday night, I slept through my alarm and the class on Wednesday morning. I feel like lately I've been in a perpetual bad mood, which is unfortunate for those around me. I feel like I haven't seen and really hung out with my friends in weeks. The only real time that I've been getting to spend time with my girlfriend is at the end of the day when one of us is awake enough to drive the 50 minutes across I-40 to the other one (it's usually her), and we sleep (or stay up all night doing our own work), then wake up and return to our normally scheduled insane lives.

However, now that my portfolio is finally finished and turned in, all I have left to do for the next two weeks is complete my hours at my internship (I'm so close!) and finish up transcribing for the research team that I've been working with. I'm past the point of caring about my productivity there, because for the last week it has taken a major backseat to my internship and everything I have needed to get done in order to pass it and graduate.

Graduation is in less than two weeks. For awhile, I felt like this semester was moving too fast and that I wasn't ready to give up being a college student. But now, I am counting down the days until graduation, until I can sleep in, until I can clean my room and do my laundry that has been sitting in the basket for two weeks, until I can clean my car out, until I can welcome Sydney home because I have been so incredibly busy that I had to ask my mom to take care of her for the last month of school because I leave the house sometime between 7:30 and 9am and sometimes don't return until midnight or one or two... or three.

I can't wait to be a real person again.

Fin.

Hard to believe it's all over. I'll miss my rugby team more than anyone will ever know. They're my family.

An excerpt from the speech I gave today:

" 'WOMEN'S RUGBY!', she said. The rest is history. 1 neon green flyer, 3 coaches, 1 broken nose, over 40 matches, 1 pair of cleats, 1 zulu done in a packed bar, approximately 21 mouthguards, 4 co-captains, 3 amazing littles, 2 ambulance rides, countless socials and parties, over 50 teammates in the course of 10 semesters, and 5 years later... here I am, saying goodbye to the one thing that has defined my college career. To me, graduating from college does not mean leaving UNCG or leaving behind the life of a student. It means leaving my rugby family. As it turned out, I didn't need the NCAA to feel like a college athlete. And I ended up with, in my opinion, the best experience on a sports team that I ever could have hoped for..."

The banquet was absolutely perfect. The seniors were given beautiful flowers, a handmade wood burned UNCG Women's Rugby sign, and the coolest senior gift ever... a "mail bag". The underclassmen had the whole team write letters to each senior, and they gave us each our own mail bag with all of our letters. I read through them during the banquet and cried into my french fries. Haha. I can't believe some of the things people wrote... I am so honored and feel so loved and appreciated.

Life is still insane. Don't expect to hear from me in the next few weeks... graduation is in 2 and a half weeks, and until then I'll be completely swamped! But, I do appreciate the calls/texts/fb messages, even if I haven't been able to respond in a timely matter. :-)

If only I'd known that the last time I saw my grandmother alive, that I would never be able to hug her or talk to her again. The last time I saw her, we went to Longwood Gardens... it was (I think) January 4th. My mom got tickets for her to see the ice skating show there. Mommom seriously loved herself some ice skating. Whenever it was on tv, she'd have it on in the evenings. That evening, we stuck her in a wheelchair, since walking too much was hard on her heart, and we got the best seats in the arena. We went through all of Longwood Gardens and saw the Christmas flower displays, taking turns pushing her and looking at the lights and the flowers in the hot greenhouses. She was excited when we reached the more tropical flowers, and she told us about the flowers in Florida. I wish I had taken a better photo that day. I just snapped this shot as we were walking... I brought my big camera, and took about a hundred photos of the sights at Longwood. But, I didn't take a photo that of the most beautiful sight that day that I didn't know existed. I'd do anything to see her again.

I can still hear her voice in my head. I'm scared that I'll forget it. Her voice has stuck with me, and not only can I hear it, I know what her voice would be saying in response to anything. She was predictable and comfortable.

I miss her today. I wish to see her again.

TQ

Spring 2010 TQ Interns


I love how life works out sometimes. I don't know if I believe in fate, but I do believe that most things happen for a reason. This semester has been one of the most stressful, overwhelming that I can remember in a long while, but it's also been extremely insightful, life-changing (I feel like I'm always saying that, but I do often tend to experience and savor life-changing opportunities) and I feel SO LUCKY.

My internship has been a truly phenomenal experience. I never in a million years expected to be working with such an amazing group of individuals - employees and other interns as well. I never expected to be a part of an agency that truly provides outstanding support services to families and children... so much so that TQ is not considered an organization, but a "family". Once you are a part of the family, as an employee, intern, volunteer, client, etc. then you are in it for life! I've never seen such a community based non-profit organization that is so dedicated to helping families and children who are dealing with so many different challenges. It's refreshing to be a part of something that is not based around money, but something much more valuable.

I feel a strong sense of belonging there. And I've become very attached. And I don't want to leave!

The groups of children who I meet with who have incarcerated parents have stolen my heart. I go to four different groups (we go to many elementary schools in Guilford County), and there is one group that is just really special to me. I've really connected with those kids, they trust me, they listen to me. They look up to me. They want to give me cornrows and are always playing with my hair. They give me endless hugs that make me wonder how often they get hugs at home. This past week, one girl asked if I could come play with her at her house this weekend. I have absolutely loved being a part of their lives this semester, and they are so bright, smart, and I have so much hope for their futures... unlike some other people in their lives, I'm sure.

Aside from the fact that I have really meaningful and educational interactions with children every single day, I am incredibly lucky to be working with four other interns, all from my program at my university. We've all had classes with each other for the last few years, so it was easy for us to become close. We spend 20+ hours a week together, and never get tired of it! Sometimes we even leave TQ and all get together for a movie/dinner/going out. I'm really going to miss those girls when we graduate.

So, that's the update on my internship.

Next up, update on the rest of my life!

Quote

"You give little girls a good coach, decent facilities, a budget and theyll come running to play sports. Theyre the SAME as the BOYS. They have the SAME interests, and they have the SAME ABILITY. All they need is the OPPORTUNITY!" ~Dr. Christine Grant

Mommom

My grandmother passed away at the age of 83 on Friday, surrounded by our family. In her last minutes, I was hugging H in the airport terminal right before security. I didn't make it home in time.

Her viewing was on Sunday, funeral on Monday. I flew back to North Carolina on Wednesday night.

The first thing my grandfather said after it happened was, "Everyone in this room just lost their best friend."

I'm having the biggest mental block of my life right now, and have no idea what else to write. I guess I've only given facts so far and have avoided going into the feelings attached to them.

















I am sad.
I am angry.
I am relieved.
I am proud.
I am disappointed.
I am exhausted.
I am worried.


It's been a long week.

Luckily, Spring Break starts today. I babysit from 12-6, and then back here to finish laundry and pack. I'm going to Florida with H and some of her friends.

Oh take me back to the start...

My grandmother was born in St. Petersburg, FL. How appropriate that I am traveling to that area...

I'm just ready for a mental break.

And I Unfold.

I have truly put off thinking about what will happen after May 14, 2010. In 88 days I will be a college graduate, I'll be a real adult. How terrifying... up until now, my entire life has been one big plan. Daycare, elementary school, middle school, high school, college... I've been on this path that majority of other white middle class girls have been on their whole lives as well. And now what? I get this piece of paper that proves that I have an education, that I learned something specific.

It's so bizarre that it's finally (almost) over. The future is scary and exciting... but right now, it's more scary than exciting.