[warning: this is a little depressing, so skip this post if you don't want to read it.]
Me: Hi, it's Kristen. I want to know why.
Him: Why what?
Me: Why you did and said what you did. Why you made that decision that night.
Him: [Whatever his answer is... I don't even care if it's stupid or hurtful.]
Me: How do you feel about what you did?
Him: I feel horrible, I regret it, I am so sorry... I didn't mean what I said to you, you are actually beautiful. I am so sorry, and I know those words will never be enough.
Me: You are right. Do you know what the last 5 years, 2 months, and 24 days have been like for me?
Him: I can't even imagine.
Me: No, you can't imagine, and you will never know. Do not try to contact me again, and I want you to know that I am in contact with the proper resources to ruin your life.
Him: Okay, I won't ever try to contact you again, and I am still very sorry for what happened.
Me: I hate you.
Him: I don't blame you.
Then I hang up.
I have played some variation of that conversation out in my mind many, many, many times. Surprisingly, there have never been any "F you"s included, or anything else really that profane.
That was actually kind of healing to write it out like that. I know it seems trivial; the things that I would say, and the things that he would say. And I know that if that phone call ever happened, even if it was exactly like that, it wouldn't magically fix things or erase what happened, or make me feel like I had closure. But, it's the imaginary phone call I think about the most, so therefore, I guess it's the one I wish I could have.