Awake.

One might ask what I am doing up at 5:37am the day after I got surgery. Well, one's answer would be that I am not "up" as in.. I did not wake "up" as in.. I never fell asleep. Yes.. I have this funny little dilemma that is not so funny at all.

My nasal passages are completely blocked right now. I mean, there is absolutely NO air going through my nose at ALL. Fine.. whoopdy doo, a few pops in my ears everytime I swallow. Not the end of the world. Until I try to fall asleep. Then I am plagued by this ridiculousness. Basically, I have to sleep with my mouth open, or else, I can't breathe. (obviously). I sleep sitting up, propped up with pillows and blankets, and try to fall asleep with my mouth open, but inevitably, about 6 minutes after I doze off, my mouth closes itself and I wake myself up trying to gasp and shudder to take a breath.

I am extremely confused as to how this even happens, seeing as I am sleeping sitting straight up. Gravity should be wrenching my jaw downward and holding in there, but for some reason.. even gravity is out to punish me.

This might seem like a minor issue, however, when you have been in bed for 6 hours trying to sleep, and this "shuddering gasping" thing happens one every ten minutes or so, that means 6 or so times an hour, that means THIRTY SIX TIMES my body has woken itself up because it can't get oxygen.

I mean..atleast it's doing that. With all the drugs in my system for pain, I could just sleep through the gasping for air, never realizing it because I'm passed out on painkillers. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my body is trying to live. I am just being pushed to the edge of insanity. I'm so tired that my eyes "sleep" and the rest of my body can't. The night before the surgery I only got about 1.5 hours of sleep because I was so nervous. Yesterday during the day I got probably about 1-2 hours while resting. That is somewhere around THREE HOURS OF SLEEP for the past 48 hours.

I sense that when I have kids, I may be somewhat miserable for those first few weeks... ;-)

I will come out of this bitter hole of darkness. I don't know when..but I will.

Better Days

I hate to make a miserable post to this blog, but that is what I'm about to do. I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself for approximately the next 10 minutes.

My surgery is set for Wednesday, 11am. That's when I go under the knife. Or..the hammer/chisel. Or whatever they use to reconstruct a nose and septum. Lucky for me, all of my cousins were sick last week when I was visiting them, so now I have a sinus infection. Well, it hasn't been officially classified as a sinus infection, but when you blow your nose and everything that comes out is dark green, you know that something is infected. Thus, the pressure from the "infection" or "sickness" or whatever it is, is making my face feel like it's going to explode. Literally, just shatter into a million tiny pieces.

With my 9 minutes left of feeling sorry, I will make a list.

Reasons I Am Angry.
1. Although my professors are being very helpful, there will be points that I cannot make up for certain things in certain classes (pop quizzes, attendance, etc.) I have worked my ass off this semester, and I am angry that it's going to go down the drain.
2. Because I am getting surgery, this means that there's a chance I can't play rugby anymore. One nose surgery + playing rugby again + re-breaking my nose one more time = no insurance coverage on the next time it breaks. Plus.. 2 bad concussions within 18 months isn't a good thing. And everyone around me seems to be hinting that it's time to retire the sport that has actually helped to shape who I am today.
3. I want to be at home. I miss Em. When she dropped me off at the airport, I barely hugged her.. I thought we were going to be apart for 6 days, not for two and a half weeks. It's not that I can't live with out her (which.. I can't..) but it's just that I know she's at home with Sydney and my spot on the couch is empty, and I'd do anything to be at home with them. I know it's a lot to take care of everything by yourself, especially with Sydney being so weird lately.
4. I hate being sick. First of all, I hate being injured, but the next worst thing is being sick. And both at the same time? I can't even describe to you what the pressure in my head feels like. My nose feels like it's breaking every second. Not to mention, my sinuses are full of shit because they can't drain properly, I'm coughing and sneezing, which kills as well, and I'm just plain miserable. The entire day yesterday I sat in an easy chair, surrounded by my "supplies". My artillery consisted of: cough drops, nose spray, a sinus irrigation device, my pain medication, vicks vapor rub, a box of tissues, and chapstick. This is war.
5. My mom has two interesting neighbors. One is a woman who's husband constantly screams at her in some indistinguishable language. The other insists on listening to his music with the bass BLARING.. don't these people go to work during the day?
6. I am bored out of my freaking mind. I have played all of the Super Mario that I can handle, I have read two books in the last 4 days, and I've watched enough re-runs of Run's House and America's Next Top Model to last me for a lifetime.

Lucky for all of you, my ten minutes is up, and it's time to be happier, and remember that others are much worse off than I am right now. My teachers are being very helpful, a few of them are letting me write papers instead of take their exams, and all of them are working with me.

If you live in the DE/PA/MD/NJ area and feel like visiting, let me know. I'll be here until December 7th.

Love from Wilmy,
Kristen

Update on the Shnozz

Well, I have bad news and..well, bad news.

I need reconstructive surgery on my nose and septum.

The surgery is on Wednesday, and I have to stay in DE for atleast a week, because the follow up appointment is 7 days after that.

Which means I have to miss 2 weeks of class...

Which is bad news. I am going to be so behind, it's scary.

And... I'm worried this will hurt. I've NEVER had surgery before.

:-/

CROOKED!

OUCH!!







that's about it. i'm leaving for the airport to go home. i hurt.

love,
kristen

Give me the strength to carry on

August 05, Liam, Alli, Me


June 05, Me and Liam at my Graduation Party


Beautiful Family.. 11/12/05

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used to. Put no difference in your tone; wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effort, no trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, somewhere very near. Just around the corner. All is well."
- Henry Scott Holland

Liam James Kane 6/29/00 - 11/19/05

Broken

Yesterday was our last game of the season, against Guilford College. We've never lost to them, and I was determined to keep it that way. At the end of the first half, the score was 10-0 us (which means we had scored 2 tries, worth 5 points each, and missed both of our conversion kicks, worth 2 points each) During the second half we were obviously extremely tired, and they scored one try, making it 10-5. With about 15 minutes left in the game, their biggest girl (and nastiest..) had a break away and right on the try line I went in to tackle her, and that's the last thing I remember.

The next thing I remember is staggering off the field, my hand to my face, and I could feel that my nose was completely sideways. As I was going off the field, Em was coming on and she took one look at me and the look on her face freaked me out so bad, she immediately made me lay down and hold very still. And after that, I just remember people talking to me as I drifted in and out, waiting for the ambulance.

So, unfortunately, I spent all evening in the Emergency Room, luckily I was given a good amount of morphine (yes, morphine!) I have a concussion and completely displaced, broken nose. Even worse- my nose is so swollen that it can't be fixed until the swelling goes down - so probably a week or so. So, I will have a broken nose for Thanksgiving... great :-)

Aside from the smashed nose and concussion, everything else is fine. I babysat for Vance and Macy yesterday, who were sooo excited to see me. I missed them too. I'll post pictures of them and of my face/nose as soon as I can. I'm pretty drugged up on excellent pain medication, so I've just been laying around and drifting in and out of sleep today. I fly home Tuesday morning, so you'll hear from me before then.

Love everywhere,
Me

Good Morning Baltimore

Last September, Em and I were hanging around on a Friday trying to figure out what to do with our evening. Our roommate Liz suggested we go see the movie Hairspray in the theater.. I was completely skeptical. I mean...Hairspray? I had no clue what it was about, all I knew about it was from the playbill that Liz had on her wall from when she saw it on Broadway. It sounded weird. Who names a show "Hairspray"? What could it even be about.. hair? Hair salons?

Well, I completely judged THAT show by the playbill. We saw it, and I LOVED IT! I was bouncing around in my seat the whole night. I loved the music, it was so "feel good" and the story itself was something that I wasn't expecting - it's basically about segregation in the 60's.

I forgot about the movie until yesterday we saw a commercial because it's coming out on DVD. If you didn't get a chance to see it in theaters, I highly recommend renting or buying it, it's definitely worth it. Good acting, good music, good story, plus, it takes place in Baltimore, MD! =)

A quick update

Monday night someone tried to break into our house. I was home by myself and at about 6, the power went out. Just as I began to think that it was strange, as the weather outside was fine... the power came back on. I went back to what I was doing, and 30 seconds later, it went out again. This time, for good. It was pitch black, and Sydney was at my side immediately. I decided to go check outside to see if our neighbors had lost power as well. Right as I opened up my door, the power came back on, and there was a man standing on the porch who turned away and jumped off the side of the porch and ran to the back of the house. I grabbed Sydney's collar and we ran to our neighbor's house and called 911. After calling two more times, the police finally showed up at MIDNIGHT. They didn't even write a report (mostly because he never entered the house or actually tampered with anything. He could have been trying to steal the two bikes on the porch). Either way, it was a long ordeal - and we later ended up spending from 3am-8am in the Emergency Room with our roommate Liz. (She's okay now).

After it happened, I felt fine - thankful that I was safe, but now, two days later, I just feel kind of unsafe/vulnerable. I find myself becoming more upset when Em has to leave for class in the afternoon and I am here by myself. Today I almost went with her to her design class! The experience also left me with another feeling - the family that lives next door to us is very cute. A mom & dad, and their 2 kids. They have a boy, Dylan, who is 4 and a baby girl, Abbey, who is 1. The family dynamic is SO reminiscent of the Kanes. I didn't realize it until I was hanging out with them, waiting for the police. Dylan is so proud of his little sister. "She took four steps today, because her legs are getting strong!" So cute...and Abbey, of course, is completely infatuated and obsessed with her older brother. It reminds me SO MUCH of Liam and Alli, and I didn't realize it until the next day. When I realized that, it actually sent me into a panic. This time of the year is always so hard for me. But more about that later.

So..lock your doors and windows and everyone stay safe.
Love.
Kristen.

Money Made You Mean

Sorry for the awful quality, I had to scan this picture in, plus it was in bad shape to begin with. Either way, this is from my senior year, Field Hockey. I think it was our last home game, making it Senior Recognition Day.

My parents divorced when I was 14. It was the summer that I was going into high school.. everyone told me that it was for the best, and I know that to be the truth now. It was something that should have happened years before it did. But at the time, I was outraged. I didn't want to leave my house, the house that I basically grew up in. Even though it meant that Kelsey and I would get our own room, even if it meant that there would be less fighting all the time and that my mom would be happier.. I still didn't want it to happen. I am taking a class called Adolescent Development right now, and adolescents are pretty self centered in the early teenage years. Every thought they have is centered around themselves, and I definitely was no exception.

Six years later, things are different, but somewhat the same. My parents have been constants in my life in two different ways. My mom has been a constant support system, and my dad has been a constant let down. I still cannot count on him for anything, really. When my mom left him, she took us with her. After all of that drama ended, it was time to go to court for child support. My dad actually told her, "You took the kids with you, and their financial responsibility" What loving parent says that?

I am aware that things could be way worse. I feel as though I constantly have to step back and know that my situation could be a lot worse. I have a great mom who does everything that she can and works 2 jobs in order for Kelsey and I to be able to get a college education. I'm not ungrateful, and I wouldn't want anyone to mistake my anger for anything it's not. I know that I could be in a way worse situation, but I'm not. This is the situation to me, and to me, it makes me angry. Why am I going to spend Thanksgiving with my dad and his family, when I am more thankful for my mom and her family? I hate that it has to sound like that.. like the line is drawn and it's not a collective "family" anymore, it's sides. But that's the way it goes.

Enough, I feel somewhat better.
Love everywhere,
Kris

Teen Leaders

As much as I have enjoyed my time off from leaders..not having to deal with any drama or responsibility, I really truly miss it. I miss making a difference, even if it was only for a weekend every couple of months. Down here, I want to make a difference but it's hard to get out there and find a way to. With leaders, it made it easy.. I was making a difference and hanging out with some of my best friends at the same time.

I took Em to her first rally last spring, and she loved it. She took this picture of our values group - we had the young ones with Mel. I think they were ending their 6th grade year. I miss values groups, vespers, early birds, morning meetings and songs. I can't imagine being on staff at PACAA, and not junior staff, but I'm sure I'll get used to it.

I just miss going to sleep at night knowing that I made a difference in someone's life.

Random Things

No photo today.. I'm updating from campus. For once I have a huge break in between classes because I finished an exam early.

I registered for classes for next semester. 18 hours.. interesting classes, though. MWF I have: Theories and Principles of Parenting, Families and Children- Global Perspective, Social Problems, and Relational Communication. TTh I have: Family Diversity and Child Observation/Assessment. This is guaranteed to be my hardest semester yet, but that's okay with me. I've been really lucky about my schedules so far. And for all you H**verites - it looks like I might (MIGHT) be making my way back to camp next summer... because I can use my job there as my internship..as long as our boss agrees. (which means technically, I could graduate a semester early, not that I plan on it though haha.)

To everyone who had an idea about Sydney who either let me know on my blog or elsewhere - Thank you! We're basically trying a combination of things.. including gates, re-crate training her while we are home, and some children's benadryl for when we have to be gone for longer than a few hours. (ex: rugby game on Sat.) I'll keep you updated.

Tomorrow should be really fun- After we get done classes, at 11, Em and I are driving to Palmetto Richland Memorial Hospital in Columbia, SC to spend some time with our friend, Katie Krize. After receiving devastating news last month about the progression of the cancer in her body, she is still fighting this thing tooth and nail. Currently she is receiving chemo as part of her treatment plan. Stop in and send her some love! www.caringbridge.org/sc/katiekrize

I guess that's enough random bits of information for today. I guess the only thing else I have to say is that I really want someone to come visit me. There is a ton to do/see in North Carolina, and in Greensboro... I promise it would be fun, plus we have a whole extra bedroom. :D

Think about it.
Love everywhere,
Kris

Rewind

I have a few pictures that I've been too lazy to upload from my memory card.. Halloween was really fun this year, I haven't had so much fun celebrating the holiday in a long time. Steph and Amy had a little halloween get together, and the rugby team also had a halloween smash, which was pretty fun. I think, though, my favorite part was just staying at home and handing out candy. There are so many kids in our neighborhood, they were so cute.

Em was Cupid, and I was a fairy.

Cupid in deep thought.

Me and Herman, our back line assistant coach.

So... let's talk dog.

Sydney. She's having issues...some sort of separation anxiety problem, we think. We've been crating her since we got her. Not for long periods of time, never longer than a few hours for while both of us are in class, or while we're at practice. I mean, she's only 1.5 yrs, she's still got some puppy in her. And that puppy in her makes her think it's fun to chew up a pillow or stuffed animal...I'm just not ready to let her have the run of the house while we're not here. A few weeks ago, she broke the mechanism on her crate that locks it. She pawed at it for so long that it broke.. so we bought her a new crate. The kind that's black wire, really strong, with two sort of dead bolt type locks. Well..the first time we left her in it, she "magically" got out... her crate looked untouched. So I'm not sure what happened, but the next day we tried again, and we used cable ties to lock the crate shut. When I got home from class, I ran upstairs and Syd was going NUTS in her crate. Then I saw the blood smeared on the walls next to where the lock is on her crate. Her paws were bloody, and her snout/nose was ALL TORN UP and bleeding. I let her out and was really upset because she is like my kid, I love her more than anything... So I called Em and when she got home, we took care of her.

The next day, we exercised her a lot before we had to go to class, in hopes that she'd just sleep for the two hours that I would be on campus. Unfortunately, she didn't sleep. When I got home, I found her... the bottom of the crate was torn to shreds, (its like 3/4 inch thick, plastic). Our carpet is kind of cheap, and she SHREDDED IT, she ripped it up, and it came up in long strips that lead right into the closet. The whole carpet in that room has to be replaced now. She bent the bottom wires of the crate up into a rainbow trying to get out. The crate is broken, and it only lasted for about 3 days. And let me tell you, it was over $100. So don't ever buy an "iCrate" from Petsmart. Or else it will look like this:

I'm at a complete loss.

Please help.

Love, Kristen.

Guilty-Funny

I saw this video awhile ago, and found it again tonight to show Em because it's pretty hilarious. I just feel so bad for the girl at the end.





I'll update soon about Syd. We've somewhat solved our problem, but nowhere near what we need to do. Maybe a trip to the vet is in order.

Love everywhere,
Kristen

Lucky.

When camp ended this summer, I reached into the little secret pocket at the top of my backpack, where I had stored my grandmother's engagement ring for 8 weeks, only to find the little pocket empty. Yes... the first ring that my grandfather gave to my grandmother when he proposed, that my grandmother gave to me on my graduation day, that she had specifically sized for my finger... was... gone... lost somewhere in the woods of northern New Jersey. I cried for awhile, but eventually the tears turned into just anger at myself for not just leaving the ring at home, in NC, in my jewelry box.

Yesterday while Em was at class, I was looking for something in our bedroom and came across the backpack that I used this summer at camp. I thought about the ring (which I usually think about every once in awhile, when my finger feels naked) and searched through that secret pocket one more time...nothing. Not even a hole that the ring could have fallen through.

Then it hit me. There is a special clip inside the front pocket of the bag, for clipping your keys or whatever else may be on a key ring. I pulled out the clip. There, gloriously attached, was a dirty rubberband, and the simple, silver, diamond chip ring. I have no recollection of putting the ring on that clip, but nonetheless, I haven't taken it off since. I think I must have lost weight or something, though, because it slides off way too easily now.

Em and I are having a major issue with Sydney, next time I post I will share it, with the hopes that one of you may have some sort of insight as to what we can do, because we are at the end of our rope.

Love everywhere,
Kris