Awake.

One might ask what I am doing up at 5:37am the day after I got surgery. Well, one's answer would be that I am not "up" as in.. I did not wake "up" as in.. I never fell asleep. Yes.. I have this funny little dilemma that is not so funny at all.

My nasal passages are completely blocked right now. I mean, there is absolutely NO air going through my nose at ALL. Fine.. whoopdy doo, a few pops in my ears everytime I swallow. Not the end of the world. Until I try to fall asleep. Then I am plagued by this ridiculousness. Basically, I have to sleep with my mouth open, or else, I can't breathe. (obviously). I sleep sitting up, propped up with pillows and blankets, and try to fall asleep with my mouth open, but inevitably, about 6 minutes after I doze off, my mouth closes itself and I wake myself up trying to gasp and shudder to take a breath.

I am extremely confused as to how this even happens, seeing as I am sleeping sitting straight up. Gravity should be wrenching my jaw downward and holding in there, but for some reason.. even gravity is out to punish me.

This might seem like a minor issue, however, when you have been in bed for 6 hours trying to sleep, and this "shuddering gasping" thing happens one every ten minutes or so, that means 6 or so times an hour, that means THIRTY SIX TIMES my body has woken itself up because it can't get oxygen.

I mean..atleast it's doing that. With all the drugs in my system for pain, I could just sleep through the gasping for air, never realizing it because I'm passed out on painkillers. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my body is trying to live. I am just being pushed to the edge of insanity. I'm so tired that my eyes "sleep" and the rest of my body can't. The night before the surgery I only got about 1.5 hours of sleep because I was so nervous. Yesterday during the day I got probably about 1-2 hours while resting. That is somewhere around THREE HOURS OF SLEEP for the past 48 hours.

I sense that when I have kids, I may be somewhat miserable for those first few weeks... ;-)

I will come out of this bitter hole of darkness. I don't know when..but I will.