Dreams

I sometimes wonder if I dream more than a regular person does. I usually wake up from dreams numerous times throughout the night. Sometimes they're nightmares, but those are becoming less and less. And, surprisingly, my nightmares aren't the most disturbing to me. It's my regular dreams that are more bizarre and make me wonder..

I dream a lot about death. The last few years I have been hit hard (in comparison to myself, and no one else). Previous to college, I'd barely known anyone who had passed away. I am lucky enough to have all four grandparents still living, and I was lucky enough to never experience the death of a close friend or family member. Liam's death kick-started the period of my life where death became more real to me. It's not just something to fear in the back of my mind, it's something that is real and very absolute.

I have a recurring dream about Liam that isn't scary, although it sounds like it could be. In the dream, we are always playing outside in a backyard. We are chasing, running, giggling... and then, all of the sudden my dream flashes to me being on this island. The water is grey, the sky is grey and dreary. Liam is at my side, and we walk to the end of this old, creaky dock. Liam is pointing to a dot out in the water. He says, "Kristen, you have to go save my brother." (Liam never had a brother, just a little sister, Alli). I swim all the way out to the dot, and when I get there, it is Liam's body floating..only... this is the Liam that I saw in the casket. The one that looked plastic-y and had way too much make up on, and a strange look on his face, and black eyes under all that make up.. the Liam that I can't get out of my head sometimes. The first body that I have ever seen that does not have life running through it.

In my dream, when I reach the body out in the water, I just tread water and watch it float around. Eventually I wake up, usually my cheeks are wet from crying, but I don't remember crying in the dream.

I have a lot of strange dreams like this.