Monday, November 17, 2008

NoJoMo #17

Even though I already posted once today, I'm going to go ahead and post my NoJoMo 17 now so that I don't have to worry about it tomorrow, after a long drive.  It's technically November 17 now anyway.

"Do you have any regrets in your life thus far?"  -Lindsey

I have small regrets that I hardly think of on a day to day basis.  I wish I had studied abroad earlier in my college career, instead of holding back because of rugby.  I regret not staying in better contact with certain people over the last few years.  Things like that. 

My biggest regret is that I didn't pursue something that I really should have.  This is probably the closest that I will ever come to writing about The Unbloggable.  

Something awful happened when I was 16 years old.  It was a few days before Christmas, my junior year of high school.  I made a bad decision, actually a series of bad decisions.  This led to me being in a vulnerable position, and I was violated in a major way (really, beyond major) by someone who I trusted and considered a friend.  I went through all of the stages (although, I didn't even know what those stages were at the time.  I didn't learn about them until years later.)  Shock, Denial, Anger, etc.  I sat in the "Denial" stage for awhile there...not denying that it had happened, but denying that it was as bad as everyone kept acting like it was.  

The circumstances were strange.  I really didn't feel that I was "backed" by any adult, and the only adult who ever really validated my experience was an amazing teacher I had my senior year.  My AP Psych.ology teacher, Ms. B.  However, because things were not properly dealt with, it took me longer to adjust after the violence.  Also, I could not consider taking any legal action, especially without full support of some very key people.

By the time I had reached a better place emotionally and mentally, I was getting ready to go off to college, escaping the hell that had been my life for the last 18 months of my high school career.  I tried to push all of the memories and thoughts away, which worked for a good amount of time.  However, I will always be wracked by guilt and regret the fact that I did not take legal action after what happened.  The details from the event are horrendous, sickening, and absurd. There is no doubt in my mind that this person has hurt other girls/women since then, and all I can do is apologize silently to all of his other anonymous victims.  As a person who does whatever I can to help, love and nurture those around me, the thought of me not pursuing that is embarrassing, sad, and makes me feel responsible and guilty.

There is a thing called a sta.tute of limit.ations.  There is a certain amount of time that a victim has to prosecute after a crime like that is committed.  In the state of Delaware, it is 5 years from the date of the crime.  My stat.ute of limit.ations is up on December 20th, 2008.  So, a little over a month from now.  I am choosing not to do anything, for a host of reasons.  However, I think that when December 20th rolls around, it might be somewhat of a rough day.  My last chance to make things right, but I know I'll never do it.  

So sleepy... that's all for now.  It took me over an hour to write that, and it was completely emotionally exhausting.  However, even though what happened was unthinkable and horrific, I am only a stronger person today because of it.  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" ... and I am surely lucky to be alive today.


lindsey said...

thank you so much for sharing that.
we will for sure do something the 20th, whether it's the 76ers game or something else.

Kelsey said...

love you.

elaina said...

I am going to call you on the 20th and tell you that I will be there for you 100% if you decide to change your mind. love you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough at the time to help you, but regardless I always behind you and am ALWAYS here to listen. I love you!

Maria said...

This post makes me SO PROUD of you and so sad at the same time. Sad b/c you feel guilty and because you still find a way to blame yourself. And PROUD for EVERY other reason in the entire world. You are one of the strongest people I know, and you INSPIRE ME.

What happened to you in high school has changed my life. My entire college career has been focused on trying to understand this stuff and on fighting it. I want to work as a counselor with survivors of your ordeal. And, not only that, what happened to you has helped me understand myself better as well.

Taking legal action is not right for everyone. And, taking legal action will not necessarily "make it right" just as, in the reverse, NOT taking legal action does not leave it "not right".

You are beautiful and strong and have done EVERYTHING right for yourself. I'm probably preaching now, and I'm sorry for that. But, I need you to know that I believe in your every action.